Practicing Civility

SRQ02 Civility: High Impact, Bite-Sized Habits

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Civility as a Ministry: Forging Habits for a Resilient World

Session SRQ02: Civility: High Impact, Bite-Sized Habits

Time: 70 Minutes, Lecture 50 minutes, videos 20 minutes.

Luke 16:10

Whoever is faithful in a very little is faithful also in much, and whoever is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much.

Lord, thank you for this wisdom, reminding us that faithfulness in small matters leads to faithfulness in much. As we engage in this workshop, help us to be stewards of civility in the small things—our words, listening, and tone. May our minor acts of kindness build a foundation of trust and respect in our community. Amen.

  1. The Decline of Civility and Challenges to Recovery (20 Mins)

6 Big Buckets: The Decline of Civility

  • Social media and the internet: Many Americans point to social media and the internet as primary drivers of eroding civility. The rapid spread of information, and the anonymity afforded by online interactions, can contribute to disrespectful behavior.
  • Media in general: The broader media landscape, encompassing traditional and online news sources, is also often blamed for contributing to incivility.
  • Political polarization and partisan divides: The increasing polarization of political views and the tendency to demonize opposing viewpoints can foster an environment where civility is eroded. Focusing on judgment over curiosity in discourse can be particularly harmful.
  • Public officials and political leaders: The behavior of public officials and political leaders is seen by many as influencing the overall level of civility in society. Incivility among elites can potentially trickle down and impact how citizens interact with one another.
  • Changes in societal values: Some suggest that a shift in values, emphasizing individualism and authentic self-expression over social conventions, may contribute to a decline in traditional politeness norms.
  • Weakening social norms and lack of education: A lack of emphasis on teaching and upholding civility, both within families and educational institutions, might contribute to its decline.

Analyzing the Decline

  • Social media and internet provide ways to amplify human imperfections.  Communities and individuals are developing solutions to box out some options and nudge us in positive directions.
  • The media has returned to its historical partisan stance, mixing fact and opinion, and using whatever it takes to compete for eyeballs and mindshare, appealing to our lower natures.  Combined with 24/7 access and the modern focus on individual identity, this remains a challenge to individuals and communities.
  • Political polarization has grown due to political party, candidate and advisor choices in the last 50 years.  There are practical structural solutions.  Our federal system may help us to implement and prove the value of these options at the state level.  National level adoption may require a political crisis to return power from the politicians to the people.
  • The decline in public official and political leader civility is another two-direction system.  The loss of civility in the population normalizes, accepts and affirms such behavior in leaders.  The breakdown in leader behavior does the same for the people.  This is the vicious downward cycle of civility.  We have the time and tools to reverse it.
  • Radical individualism has become a socially accepted philosophy of life.  It undermines the civility value of public-spiritedness which serves to balance community and individual needs.  In session 7, we’ll review the “paradox of tolerance”.  A society may not be able to tolerate individuals or groups who are intolerant of the core values and institutions of society.  We may need to determine how much pure individualism or lack of support for the community is tolerated in our society.
  • Civic duties, national history and civility have declined because we have not made them an educational priority.  This can be corrected.  I believe that the elevation of “tolerance” as a social value has contributed to this slide.  The rise of postmodernism as an influential philosophy in the education, entertainment and media industries promotes pure subjectivity and relativism.  The “classical liberal” philosophy of democracy also points to a limited or zero formal government support for any public morality or values.  We describe civility as being part of the “rules of the game”.  It is based on certain values.  It aspires to become a social norm that is “enforced” by society.  I believe that this kernel of values, behaviors and norms is required to support civil society.  We have not resolved this question.  As I’ll argue in Session 3, civilization is fragile.  Civility holds it together.

Optional readings:

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/08/25/causes-of-the-decline-in-civility-2/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/04/21/civility-crisis-or-civilization-crisis/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/root-causes-of-the-decline-of-civility-2-2/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/03/09/civility-resources-2-causes-of-the-decline-in-civility/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/03/14/6-root-causes-of-our-situation/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/03/09/civility-resources-3-politics/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/reducing-political-polarization-9-3/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/09/19/causes-of-increased-political-polarization/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2023/07/15/one-page-why-were-polarized-klein-2020/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2023/04/10/why-were-polarized-2020/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/03/09/civility-resources-5-action/

Challenges to the Recovery of Civility as a Social Norm

  • From above: media, social media and internet appeal to our lesser angels.  National political polarization further infects local politics and daily life.  The decline in national leader behavior passes the “tipping point” and everyone employs uncivil tactics because “everyone else does so”.  Radical individualism is normalized and widely accepted, even by the church.  We fail to define, teach and require, incentivize, or nudge a minimum set of core civic duties.
  • Our moral, mental, emotional and tribal wiring is not designed to support all civility behaviors without significant personal and social investments (Sessions 4-7).
  • Civility is not simple or easy.  It is an aspirational moral system.  We never fully arrive or graduate.
  • The misperceptions of civility discourage its use.  Especially the idea that it is just surface level politeness, naïve good wishes and too weak to be effective.
  • Civility requires self-confidence and courage.
  • Radical individualism, in its more socially acceptable form as expressive individualism (“be all that you can be”), expands its influence with the underlying individualistic philosophy that praises ONLY individual creativity and expression, rejecting any valid role for society or God.  This is sometimes described as “the therapeutic society” or the “culture of narcissism”.

Optional readings:

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/12/14/civility-is-not-simple-or-easy/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/challenges-to-adopting-civility-7-3/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/08/25/causes-of-the-decline-in-civility-2/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/07/08/charles-taylors-our-secular-age-a-short-summary/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/02/13/whats-the-root-cause-of-our-problems-our-secular-age/

  1. Hope: Restoring Civility (20 Mins; brief lecture, selected inspirational videos)
  • ”Western Civilization” has a constructive 500-year track record of improving in all dimensions.  Social and moral life can be improved by learning and experience.
  • Modern civility is rooted in solid research and leverages teaching methods.
  • These skills are teachable, actionable and can be learned incrementally in safe environments.
  • The skills are powerful and apply to all social environments, so they are attractive to everyone based on self-interest alone.
  • There are many motivations/inspirations for developing these skills. (Session 12)
  • The basic skills can be learned by anyone without needing permission!
  • Business, government, education and religious institutions have an incentive to invest in and reinforce civility.
  • Civility reinforces religious beliefs and practices.
  • Civility is nonpartisan, able to step above political polarization.
  • Civility reinforces our shared human dignity, agency and community.
  • Civility helps Americans to see what they have in common.
  • People now see the downside of losing civility.
  • The recovery of civility is a spontaneous, grass-roots effort.  It does not depend upon great national leadership.
  • Civility as a social norm can benefit from the self-reinforcing virtuous cycle.
  • Improved civility positively addresses the challenges of political polarization, skepticism, insecurity, radical individualism and our secular age.  This may be an even more powerful virtuous cycle than rebuilding civility per se.
  • God has a plan for mankind.  Civility fits well into “Love God, Love Neighbor, Serve God, Serve Neighbor”.

Optional readings:

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/06/civility-i-will-survive/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/02/23/restoring-civility-overcoming-obstacles/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/12/14/the-power-of-civility/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/03/09/civility-resources-6-solutions/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/10/21/civility-is-for-everyone/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/motivation-for-civility-3-3/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/inspiration-for-civility-3-4/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/things-we-have-in-common-5-11/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/what-americans-have-in-common-7-1/

🤝 Political Civility & Defining Moments of Leadership

These historic moments show how national figures intentionally elevated dignity over partisanship, modeling standard-setting behavior for a broader audience.

  • John McCain Defends Barack Obama (2008 Campaign): A classic example of a leader pausing a high-stakes campaign to protect the dignity of his opponent.
  • Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill (The “After 6:00 PM” Relationship): Archival footage showing how the staunchly conservative President and fiercely liberal Speaker of the House separated intense policy fights from deep personal affection.
  • George W. Bush’s 2017 “Spirit of Liberty” Speech: Clips from his address praising the enduring ideals of American democracy, human dignity, and the embrace of civic responsibility.
  • Ronald Reagan’s “Shining City upon a Hill” (Farewell Address): His timeless visual metaphor for an optimistic, open, and welcoming nation built on liberty.

🏠 Hands-On Civic Leadership & Human Dignity

These clips shift the lens to physical action and the tangible, lifelong commitment to building communities from the ground up.

  • Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library (“The Book Lady”): Short clips detailing her initiative to gift millions of books to children globally to advance early literacy.
  • The Carters Supporting Habitat for Humanity: Footage spanning decades of Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter picking up hammers to build homes side-by-side with volunteers.
  • Barack Obama’s 2009 Inauguration Impact: Clips showing the profound generational and cultural emotional ripple effect across African American communities as he took the oath of office.

🍿 Cinematic Metaphors: Loyalty, Persistence, & The Individual

Using highly recognizable popular culture touchstones allows you to tap into deep emotional reservoirs, offering memorable analogies your participants can instantly grasp.

  • Sam Carries Frodo (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King): The iconic peak of cinematic loyalty: “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you!”
  • Forrest Gump “Just Started Running”: The scene where Forrest begins running across America, drawing a massive, unprompted wave of followers who find their own purpose in his simple stride.
    • Workshop Hook: “Organic Momentum. You don’t always need a perfect 10-step strategic plan to begin creating change. Sometimes, simply starting the work with authenticity creates a template for others to follow.”
    • https://www.youtube.com/shorts/kN8Zyio6pOc
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  • The Star Thrower Story (The Starfish Analogy): A visual or narrated retelling of the classic story where a traveler tells a child throwing washed-up starfish back into the sea that they can’t possibly make a difference to miles of beach. The child replies, “It made a difference to that one.”
    • Workshop Hook: “Resisting Scale Despair. Overcoming the paralyzing feeling that a massive systemic problem is too big to fix by intentionally focusing on localized, individual impact.”
    • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-R5LqE3nzY
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  • Gomer Pyle Sings “The Impossible Dream”: The surprising, deeply moving juxtaposition of the bumbling private stunning his harsh sergeant with a flawlessly sincere rendition of the standard.

III. The Applied Behaviors of Civility (25 Mins)

I. Video Introduction: Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model (6 Mins, 1.4x speed)

II. How Behaviors Fit into the Civility Model (18 Mins)

  • We’re looking at all the behaviors necessary to be highly effective at interacting with other people.  Other people have different perspectives, interests and values.  We want to both produce results and build positive relationships.
  • Today, we focus on 5 of the 7 groups of behaviors.  #6 Personal Growth, is Stephen Covey’s “Sharpen the Saw”.  #7 Problem-Solving, is comprised of skills that are typically learned in a different part of the curriculum. 
  • The remaining 5 fit together nicely, the 4 groups that Goleman addresses in his emotional intelligence model to build effective leaders; plus communications.  This is part of why Civility is misperceived as “soft”.  The skills come out of psychology, social psychology or organization behavior texts.
  • Best practices skills today combine emotional and cognitive awareness with self-control.
  • Two of the groups, self-awareness and self-management, are inward looking.  The other 3, social awareness, relationship management and communications are outward facing.
  • We’ll learn in sessions 4-7 that our default mental structures are not inherently good at building the “best practices” habits in these 5 areas.
  • We store our moral, political and religious views in our subconscious.  We are usually not aware of our specific views or managing our responses when these views are awakened.  Individuals have a variety of moral beliefs and responses that are fine-tuned and prioritized in life, again, typically without conscious thought.
  • We take shortcuts in our so-called rational thinking.
  • Emotional triggers prompt us to respond without taking advantage of the space between stimulus and response.
  • We naturally prefer people, groups and things that are familiar.  We like cognitive consistency.  We think KNOW that we are right.  We can overdo these tendencies.
  • The “best practices” skills help us to overcome these obstacles to effectiveness.
  • In this course, we’ll complete more than a dozen exercises to build skills and give you a sense of how this is done.  We’re moving at “warp speed” to illustrate a variety of areas.  Longer exercises can be used to build better skills.
  • The overlap with organizational behavior textbooks and corporate applications is intentional.  As organizations faced greater challenges in the 1970’s, they worked with social scientists to develop these insights and programs to improve the skills of managers, leaders and all workers.  As the pace of change increased, cross-functional teams became common and responsibilities were delegated to the bottom of the organization chart, companies needed to have highly effective “human resources”.
  • However, these skills are used throughout applied psychology: counseling, marriage counseling, team building, student affairs, community organizing, etc.
  • As Goleman notes, the key is that these are learned behaviors, that anyone can build at any time.
  • And, once learned, they can be applied in all walks of life.  Mastering the civility skills requires a significant investment in learning, practice and reinforcement.  But the payoff is even greater because of their universal application.
  • We’ll explain in the next session how these behaviors are infused with the civility values of human dignity, responsibility and public-spiritedness.  They are not “value free” actions.
  • I want to reinforce the chain of events in civility.  Behaviors become habits.  Habits become social norms.  Social norms are self-reinforcing.  This virtuous cycle is a critical component of maintaining civility as a shared expectation and commitment.
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Optional readings:

https://tomkapostasy.com/2025/11/01/civility-behavioral-sciences-to-the-rescue/

https://tomkapostasy.com/2026/04/10/civility-references-0-3/

5 Groups of Civility Behaviors

Self-Awareness

Emotional Awareness – Identifying and understanding our emotions and their impact on our thoughts, behaviors, and others.
Accurate Self-assessment – Clearly understanding personal strengths and limitations without self-criticism or inflated self-perception.
Self-confidence – Firmly believing in one’s abilities, talents, and judgement.
Self-respect – Properly regarding and caring for the dignity of one’s person and character.
Authenticity – Acting in accordance with one’s true self, values and beliefs.

Self-Management

Emotional Self-control – Managing and regulating one’s emotional responses, preventing impulsive reactions.
Adaptability – Flexibly and efficiently learning and applying that knowledge across situations.
Achievement Motivation – Orientation towards success, mastery, and sense of purpose.
Initiative – Recognizing needs, taking action, and pursuing outcomes without waiting for direction.
Optimism – A mental attitude characterized by a positive outlook and expectations of favorable outcomes.
Apologizing – Acknowledging errors and guilt, expressing regret, repenting, asking for forgiveness.
Trustworthiness – Demonstrating credibility, reliability and intimacy buffered from self-interest.
Resilience – Bouncing back from adversity with flexibility & strength, maintaining wellbeing despite challenges.

Social Awareness

Empathy – Understanding what other people feel, seeing their point of view, and imagining yourself in their place.

Organizational Awareness – Interpreting a group’s emotional state, relationship dynamics and power structures.

Service Orientation – Willingly anticipating, recognizing, and meeting others’ needs, before they are articulated.

Perspective Taking – Considering others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions, and motivations in a particular situation.

Cultural Awareness – Recognizing the different beliefs, values, and customs of someone based on their origins.

Relationship Management

Influence – Capacity to affect the character, development, or behavior of another person, group, or organization.

Conflict Management – Process by which disputes are resolved, negative results are minimized and positive results are prioritized.

Teamwork and Collaboration – Combined effort of a group of people working together towards a common goal or objective.

Inspirational Leadership – Inspiring and guiding people to get the job done, to bring out their best.

Change Management – Providing approaches, tools, and techniques to achieve a desired future state.

Collaboration Tools – Offering any technology or tool that can be used to help people to better work together.

Meeting Management – Organizing and facilitating meetings to ensure productivity and alignment.

Project Management – Planning, organizing, and executing tasks to create a tangible product, service, or deliverable.

Communications

Commonality – Finding and emphasizing common interests, perspectives and experiences.

Be Patient – Encouraging others to speak, not interrupting them.

Overall Awareness – Paying attention to non-verbal cues, overall message of speakers.

Recognize/Validate Others – Listening, remembering and using names, acknowledging others’ views and emotions.

Mirror Communications – Confirming listening by restating what you heard in your own words.

Speak Kindly – Using words that are neutral or supportive, not attacking others.

Understand – Asking questions, clarifying, seeking first to understand, not to reply.

Manage Praise – Giving and receiving praise for communications, actions, intentions and results, when appropriate.

Defend Properly – Defining boundaries, expressing views in “I” statements, not overreaching.

Solve the Problem – Focusing on issues, not people.

Electronic Communications – Effective email and social media communications.

Personal Growth (#6, not covered here)

Experiential Learning – Benefiting from the experience and natural results of participating in civil processes.
Continuous Improvement – Maintaining newly developed skills and skill levels with support from civil colleagues.
Embracing Feedback – Encouraging honest feedback provides opportunities for personal growth.
New Perspectives – Gaining new approaches, viewpoints and paradigms from interacting with others.
Higher Expectations – Improving goals and behaviors in response to the expectations/norms of others.
Confidence – Using civil processes to address and resolve difficult situations builds personal and process confidence.
Broadly Applying Skills – Trying, testing and using civility skills in all domains of life.
Modelling Behaviors – Practicing civility skills helps to teach, influence and inspire others.
Developing Others – Recognizing and nurturing potential in others through encouragement and honest feedback.

Problem-Solving (#7, not covered here)

Analytical Tools – Critical thinking, decision making, game theory, finance, economics and operations management.

Creative Thinking – Thinking about a task or a problem in a new or different way, or generate new ideas.

Strategic Thinking – Intentionally and logically making organization level decisions with long-term impacts.

Organizational Design – Improving an organization’s effectiveness and performance.

Organizational Development – Structuring an organization to align with its strategic goals and objectives.

Systems Thinking – Cognitive skill and a way of understanding reality that emphasizes the whole rather than the sum of its parts.

Process Engineering – Approach to designing, analyzing, and optimizing steps to produce a consistent, repeatable outcome.

Public Administration – Coordination of government activities to ensure the effective delivery of services and the application of laws.

  1. Transition and Closing Prayer (5 Mins)

Building upon our examination of declining social norms and the behavioral skills needed for recovery, our next session will ground our workshop in the core values of human dignity, responsibility, and public-spiritedness. We will transition into an intentional look at church ministry, outlining a clear rationale for why the faith community is uniquely positioned to restore civility as a vital social norm. Together, we will examine the stark biblical and historical realities of how civilizations collapse when their relational glue dissolves, pointing us toward our ultimate goal: a flourishing civilization. Join us next week as we shift our focus from personal behavioral toolkits to the systemic, historical, and deeply spiritual calling of the Church in the public square.

Closing Prayer

“Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in.” — Isaiah 58:12 (NRSV)


Almighty God, you are the ultimate architect of order, beauty, and human community. In a world where the glue of civility seems to be failing, we praise you for the hope that a broken society can indeed be healed. Empower us to move beyond the internal work of self-management and clear communication into the public arena of active, faithful ministry. Let our churches become vibrant sanctuaries where human dignity is fiercely protected and civility is boldly restored as a social norm. Strengthen our resolve to face historical realities honestly while actively working toward a future where all your creation may flourish together. Amen.

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