A set of behaviors that recognize differences and build mutual respect.
A tool to deliver productive results through Civil discourse.
Comprised of self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management, communications, growth and problem-solving skills and behaviors.
A habit.
A choice (intentional).
Based on the universal values of human dignity, respect, acceptance, responsibility, constructiveness, intentionality and public-spiritedness.
A moral system but not a replacement for religious, philosophical or political systems.
Viral; a virtuous/vicious cycle.
Nonpartisan.
Ecumenical.
Teachable.
A blend of thinking, feeling and doing.
A social norm.
Consistent with human nature.
Actionable.
An aspirational ideal, never fully achieved.
A builder of trust, community, common good and institutions.
A self-maintaining social system.
Supported by world religions and secular humanism.
Informed by modern social science.
Practiced in personal, work, play, church, sports, media, union, culture, service, government and political environments.
Required for democracy.
Inspired by self-interest, situations, personality, identity, civic duty, patriotic duty, cultural duty, religious duty and philosophical duty.
NOT too simple, complex, moderate, extreme, soft, hard, liberal or conservative.
A solution to our challenges of political polarization, selfish media, radical individualism, limits of human nature, skepticism, our secular age, imperfect myths and insecurity.
Civility is based upon 7 values: human dignity, respect, acceptance, responsibility, constructiveness, intentionality and public-spiritedness. These values have been identified as the foundation of Civility because they work together with the 7 Civility behaviors to deliver results while recognizing differences and building mutual respect through civil discourse.
Deliver Results
The values strongly drive the 7 sets of behaviors.
The values and behaviors produce the desired results.
Society is more productive.
Civility behaviors become habits, valuable assets.
People are engaged, their capabilities employed.
Creative and cooperative solutions are generated.
Build Relations
Build communications skills.
Provides a safe environment which encourages interactions.
Creates a positive climate and expectations.
Promotes positive expectations and attitudes.
Reduces social tensions and anxiety.
Promotes trust in people, groups and institutions.
Builds a sense of teamwork, community and common purpose.
Adequate
Addresses real differences of experiences, interests, power and views.
Sustainable
Encourages consideration of long-term consequences.
Emphasizes the nature of repeated conversations and negotiations.
Inserts the common good as a meaningful objective and factor to consider.
Invests in the process.
Supports the needs of all participants.
Reduce Costs
Minimizes lost participation, ideas, solutions, compromises.
Reduces overall communications, legal and transaction costs.
Discourages destructive discourse, threats and behaviors.
Avoid and resolve conflicts.
Broadly Supported
Historically used by many cultures and traditions.
Consistent with lists of common moral values.
Commonly described by popular and academic writers.
Generally supported by the average person.
Nonpartisan.
Ecumenical, not promoting one religion or denomination.
Broadly Applied
Values and behaviors in family, neighborhood, work, play, church and civic situations.
Support Democracy
Provide moral/community basis for political participation, engagement, voting, funding, service, and legal compliance.
Actionable
Mutually consistent, supportive, connected values and behaviors.
Limited set of values with clear definitions and complementary taboos.
Consistent with human nature, even if requiring education and moral effort.
Values and behaviors can be taught, practiced and improved.
Consistent with the findings of modern social sciences.
Powerful
Values are deeply felt, motivating their adoption, cultivation and application.
Consistent with the virtuous cycle of reinforcement through social interactions.
Intuitive definition and connection with practical and moral life.
Connected with the religious and philosophical vertical dimension of life.
The Vertical Dimension of Experience Supports the Civility Values
All people experience the universe as something much larger, more complex, abstract and mysterious than their direct, personal lives. They try to make sense of the whole and determine their place and meaning. They sense that there are things beyond the materialistic human scale experience. They feel separation and long for a stronger connection with the whole. They experience parts of the larger universe which they cannot fully capture. Love, beauty, change, consciousness, art, music, science, intuitions, mysteries, miracles, myths, stories, awe, infinity, eternity, transcendence, dimensions, time, responsibility, sacred, pure, form, structure, number and mathematics all point to something “more”.
Some identify and experience God, gods, even a personal God. Others see structure, laws, nature, spirits or forces.
The key is the separation of the individual from the universe and the experienced relationship. The individual is not alone. He is connected to the source. He has neighbors who seem to be in the same situation. He experiences vertical and horizontal relationships.
The source has provided life to all men. They are in the same position. They deserve respect.
Men understand something of the universe. They connect with the source. They appreciate the structure. They are self-aware. They exist. Human dignity makes sense.
Men are not the center of the universe. There are many creatures. There are many other men. Variety is everywhere. Men and women differ. Children and relatives differ. Men experience growth, development and change. They expect change and diversity.
Men experience freedom of choice. They appreciate and defend this natural liberty. They believe they have “free will”. They seem to have a consistent “self” to speak with. They have logical capabilities. They can plan and execute.
Men experience logical yes and no. They see opposites. They sense “right and wrong”. They see and punish unfairness. They are socialized by experience, parents and neighbors. They live in a moral universe. Accountability arises from this environment.
Men live in communities. They are subject to the seasons, nature, disease, invaders and the weather. Their lives and fates are intertwined. They produce, learn, play and worship together. They are interdependent. They benefit from trade. Communities transmit culture, history and myths. The public good is self-evident in most human communities.
Man exists. He is self-aware. He experiences pleasure and pain. Nature provides resources. He experiences joy and sorrow. He manages many fears and threats. Yet, he sings and celebrates. He benefits from a positive world view.
In each case, men have natural experiences, vertically connected with nature, the universe, the source of being. This connection provides meaning, certainty, hope and safety. These values are natural values, that can be supported without making specific religious, scientific or philosophical claims.
How the Vertical Dimension Supports Civility: Google AI – April 8, 2026
The vertical dimension of life—often defined as one’s connection to a higher power, transcendent values, or a “higher self”—is deeply connected to civility, as it serves as an internal, ethical anchor that encourages treating others with respect, dignity, and care. While horizontal actions deal with navigating daily, material life, the vertical dimension focuses on inner transformation and accountability to a standard higher than oneself, which is often crucial for fostering public-mindedness and genuine connection with others.
• Foundation for Universal Respect: A vertical orientation provides a basis for recognizing that all individuals possess innate worth and dignity, independent of their social standing or whether one “likes” them. This “internal disposition of the heart” encourages respect for the “other,” ensuring individuals treat people as moral equals.
• Transcending Self-Interest: The vertical dimension cultivates a sense of awe and gratitude (an awe-based approach to the Divine or the cosmos) which encourages us to look beyond our own immediate interests and ego. This shift in consciousness moves people from a “me” focus to an “eco” or “us” focus, which is essential for community building and civility.
• Ethical Accountability: It brings a deeper awareness of the impact of one’s actions on others and fosters responsibility, self-awareness, and self-restraint. This often manifests as a “vertical” obligation to follow moral laws that transcend personal desires, leading to more respectful interaction.
• Disagreement Resolution: Authentic civility, rooted in this dimension, allows individuals to respectfully handle disagreements and navigate differences in public conversation rather than simply avoiding conflict.
Vertical vs. Horizontal Dimensions of Life
• Horizontal Dimension: Refers to the visible, life-in-time, material aspects of existence, where one tries to improve circumstances or “fix” things. It can sometimes lead to superficial politeness or a “socially controlled” adherence to norms rather than genuine care.
• Vertical Dimension: Focuses on the “Being” or the internal, non-physical plane of life, which brings peace and allows for better navigating of the horizontal plane.
In summary, the vertical dimension acts as the “inner soil” that nourishes civic behavior (public-mindedness), ensuring that interactions with others are grounded in deeper, shared principles of respect rather than just superficial politeness.
Civility faces many challenges to survive and thrive. It possesses many advantages.
Conceptually
They say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. The umbrella terms liberal and conservative are inadequate to political dimensions and individuals. Despite DEI politics, most Americans support diversity, equal opportunity and acceptance. Thought leaders realize there is no alternative to Civility for a modern society to function. We define “certainty” for science and religion. We have post-Newton insights in the last 100 years. We understand “victim” language. We can help ourselves and our friends to reject this burden.
Logically
Civility encourages us to accurately diagnose the current situation. Despite political extremism, instrumental logic and facts rule the scientific and business worlds. Civility is designed to be nonpartisan, allowing political parties to embrace this approach to effectiveness. The 7 Civility values are equally attractive to liberals and conservatives. Civility is able to promote public-spiritedness without leaning left.
Morally
The Civility behaviors are mostly consistent with human nature. The rest can be taught. In a time of advanced technologies and artificial intelligence, focusing first on human dignity is wise. While Civility focuses on behaviors and a few values, it can be driven by more emotional values. We better understand the benefits and limits of tolerance and its role as a social value. Most people see the costs of extreme individualism to themselves, family, neighbors and coworkers. By highlighting the habit of skepticism, we can greatly reduce its poisonous impact.
Progressively
The track record of modern society solving problems is very strong. Our world has an increasing experience base of finding both/and descriptions and solutions. We do have a long track record of reducing our perceptions of “the other” as a threat. We have more experience outsourcing government functions to reduce the sense of intrusion. The change is based on incremental improvements rather than heroic efforts and projects. Modern communications capabilities can effectively promote moderate, complex, less emotional positions. As Robert Putnam documents in The Upswing, we have revised our social institutions before.
Powerfully
Civility is supported by a super majority of independents, Republicans and Democrats. Corporations need Civility to operate complex organizations. They will recruit, train and reward Civility. Civility embraces a wide diversity or political and religious beliefs. Civility is supported by many churches, businesses, professions, universities and governments. Leaders of Europe’s more secular democracies strongly embrace Civility. There is no fundamental opposition to Civility by China’s leaders. Civility is strongly supported by the major religions. The 7 Civility values are supported by all major religions and philosophies. Unquestioned religion or scientism are dead. Better insights and communication are possible. The Catholic church can strongly support Civility. Protestant churches can support Civility without overemphasizing “social justice”.
Politically
Societies have always had political differences. Our differences are no greater than in history. In the American 2-party system, the center normally has extra political weight. Political parties, groupings, ideologies and polarization naturally change through time. We have 50 years of post-60’s social policy debates. We know that we will always disagree on some things. The diversity of states allows the benefits of federalism to accrue with better policies emerging. The reliance of the classical liberal political model on shared values is better recognized. The unintended consequences of politically extreme policies become obvious in time.
The impossibility of extreme political parties/factions delivering on their promises becomes apparent. Ironically, liberals have become “cultural conservatives”, promoting a 250-year-old approach. Liberals increasingly see the value of allowing states to determine social and economic policies. Some liberals see that 100% enforcement of social policies drives strong opposition for little benefit. Broadly defined insecurity has become a political priority that will generate nonpartisan solutions.
Educationally
Modern cognitive science, counselling and organizational behavior are highly effective. By defining Civility as a set of behaviors, we make it teachable, actionable and leverageable.
The Civility lessons are straightforward, allowing many to lead workshops. Solid Civility lesson plans can be developed in many places and used everywhere. We can fine-tune and package hundreds of Civility training exercises to serve everyone. Organizations and individuals can rely upon counselling, groups and training. We can greatly improve our school curriculums to teach Civility as a solution to real differences. Civility is practiced and improved in all arenas of life. Improvements are leveraged.
Virally
In a highly specialized world, there are more opportunities to apply Civility “win-win” principles. Civility is not an “all or nothing” set of behaviors. Incremental progress is normal. The more challenging Civility behaviors can be practiced in safer, local environments. Local expectations of Civility allow all individuals to apply and grow these behaviors. Civility can be practiced in any environment without permission from anyone. Civility skills, values, beliefs can be developed and applied without any approvals. The virtuous cycle of Civility applies at levels. Good behavior or feedback drives more good behavior. The practice of Civility generates “positive externalities” for others. The state should support it. The practice of Civility provides a role model for others to emulate. Social norms are very powerful. Most people learn them implicitly. Civility behaviors can become habits which then apply without thought or effort.
Beneficially
Every person can serve as a Civility ambassador, champion or “civiliteer”. High-level Civility skills are personally and professionally highly valuable. The Civility emphasis on self-awareness and values clarification can improve quality of life. Humans have much in common and can learn this. Americans have much in common. We understand “human nature” deeply, so can adjust to leverage strengths and patch weaknesses. Americans are proud of their political system and will invest in Civility to preserve it. Civility’s focus on human dignity supports the modern high importance of personal identity. As individuals seek validation of their identities, Civility can help to facilitate good conversations. Our greatly improved understanding of behavioral economics provides new policy opportunities.
Summary
The modern approach to improving and installing Civility as a major social norm is audacious, yet it has great support.
The 1960s are considered a massive cultural shock because they marked a rapid, comprehensive rejection of traditional 1950s social norms, fueled by a booming youth population, the Vietnam War, and mass media. It shattered established authority in politics, race relations, gender roles, and lifestyle, shifting Western society toward personal liberation. Google AI – April 6, 2026
Key Factors Behind the 1960s Cultural Shift:
Counterculture and Lifestyle: A youth-driven movement rejected conventional morality, embracing “free love,” casual sex, drug use, communal living, and distinct fashion changes like the miniskirt and long hair.
Civil Rights and Equality: The struggle for racial equality transformed society, punctuated by the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and Voting Rights Act of 1965, alongside the rise of second-wave feminism.
The Vietnam War and Anti-War Protests: The war, amplified by television, created a “credibility gap” between government claims and reality, sparking intense youth protest and mistrust of authority.
Technological and Social Changes: The proliferation of television created a unified media experience, while the advent of “the Pill” significantly altered sexual norms and gender dynamics.
Musical and Artistic Explosion: Music, particularly rock and folk, became a vessel for social critique and the unification of a new generation (e.g., Woodstock).
A “Bridge” Decade: The 1960s acted as a transition from the conservative, black-and-white media era to the more permissive, colorful “modern” world, with technological advancements like early satellite communication and computers.
This period is unique because it forced a shift from traditional institutional authority (church, family, state) to personal authenticity, empathy, and moral sensitivity.
In recent times, eight older men lived in an Indiana community. Each was successfully retired and quite confident. Their neighbors loved the older men and encouraged their breakfast group meetings. Since the older men were no longer actively engaged at work, they had to imagine how things really operated. They listened carefully to stories about the active world of business, government, politics, health care, science, and leadership told to them by others.
The men were curious about many of the stories they heard, but they were most curious about Civility as a super solution to social challenges. They were told that Civility could fix politics, solve tough problems, promote personal growth, reinsert facts and logic into debate, revive trust, social relationships and institutions, and restore the balance between individuals and community.
They remembered Indiana as a very special place with great leaders. They recognized Birch and Evan Bayh, VP’s Quayle and Pence, representatives Lee Hamilton and Julia Carson, Indianapolis mayors Hudnut, Goldsmith, Petersen, Ballard and Hogsett, mayor and senator Lugar, but especially Governor Mitch Daniels. They knew that Daniels had been effective for Indiana, America and Purdue. Did Daniels believe in this Civility miracle solution?
The older men argued day and night about Civility. “Civility must be too simple,” claimed the first man. He had heard stories that it ignores real differences and big solutions.
“No, you must be wrong,” argued the second man. “Civility is complicated, combining values and habits in search of perfection. That is why people struggle to follow it.”
“You’re wrong! Civility seeks compromise, the middle ground and the golden mean. It combines the best that participants can offer,” said the third man.
“Please,” said the fourth man. “You are all mistaken. Civility grandly guarantees that it can solve all problems and conflicts! You know how people exaggerate.”
“How can you be so naïve,” exclaimed the fifth man. “Civility simply rationalizes weak, overly sensitive behaviors that avoid conflict and deny human nature.”
“Civility ignores passion and the emotions,” cried the sixth man. “It eliminates feelings, values, and intuitions by emphasizing cold rationality alone.”
“I am sure that Civility is a leftist plot,” said the seventh man. “That would explain why it emphasizes the importance and legitimacy of government.”
“On the contrary,” declared the eighth man. “Civility is a Republican scheme to return to the 1950’s with its mindless emphasis on a single culture, morality, character and values.”
Finally, the neighbors grew tired of all the arguments, and arranged for the curious men to visit the home office of Mr. Daniels to learn the truth about Civility.
When the men reached the home a half-hour ahead of schedule, they were greeted by an old friend who managed the governor’s visitors. Their friend led them to a waiting room where they watched a 10-minute video on Civility. The retired men quickly began to argue.
The first man stood up and exclaimed. “Civility is just common sense, nothing special.”
The second man misquoted the video. “Civility claims that all people can get along and all problems can be solved,” he announced.
The third man disagreed. “I was right,” he decided. “Civility is a tool of the powerful to maintain the status quo.”
The fourth man criticized Civility’s idealism. “What we have here,” he said, “is a sort of cult, invoking magical practices to reach utopian ends.”
The fifth man responded, “Civility is hopelessly weak because it asserts that strong emotions, interpersonal relations, sensitivity and hospitality can mend all fences.”
The sixth man stated, “Civility is very powerful. It allows groups and individuals to acquire and use power for their own ends, while dismissing the needs and desires of others.”
The seventh man considered the actors in the presentation. “Civility elevates individuals and personal growth above church and community, so it must favor Democrats,” he said.
The eighth man was shocked. “Why, Civility is nothing more than a way for the powerful to reassert social control through norms, taboos and shunning,” he scoffed.
The governor’s aide led his friends to the kitchen. “Sit here and rest,” he said. “I will bring you something to drink.”
While they waited, the eight men talked about Civility.
“Civility is just politeness, rules and etiquette. It is a surface level approach,” said the first man. “Surely we can finally agree on that.”
“Just politeness? Civility aims to transform men, institutions and society” answered the second man.
“Transformation? Civility focuses just on process, promotes elite values and prevents real arguments and solutions” insisted the third man.
“It’s impossible for everyone to develop such powerful skills that effectively bridge real human differences,” said the fourth man.
“Civility merely assumes that better skills, processes and values can manage differences, conflicts and human nature through the forces of goodwill,” noted the fifth man.
“Civility provides a socially approved way for individuals to emphasize form over substance. They can perform in a civil manner without really addressing the needs of others,” cautioned the sixth man.
“Socialist subjectivity and radical tolerance. There’s no doubt,” said the seventh man.
“Don’t you see?” pleaded the eighth man. “Civility is intended to keep us occupied and distracted by small issues and away from the larger issues of systematic injustice. Someone is using Civility to trick us.”
Their argument continued and their shouts grew louder and louder.
It was Purdue President emeritus Daniels, disturbed by the noisy argument.
“How can each of you be so certain you are right?” asked the former governor.
The eight men considered the question. And then, knowing the budget director to be a very wise man, they decided to say nothing at all.
“Civility combines values, skills and behaviors to solve problems and build relations,” said Mr. Daniels. “Each of you exaggerates the importance of only one part. Perhaps if you put the parts together, you will see the truth. Now, let me finish my morning in peace.”
When their friend returned with drinks, the eight men rested quietly, thinking about their leader’s advice.
“He is right,” said the first man. “To learn the truth, we must put all the parts together. Let’s discuss this on the journey home.”
The first man found his seat on the senior bus. The second man found his seat, and so on until all eight men were ready to travel together.
The decline in Civility is intertwined with other changes in society. We’ll share the 6 root causes. Fortunately, the recovery of Civility can help to address each of the 6 root causes of decline. Radical individualism, human nature, skepticism, our secular age, imperfect myths and insecurity.
There has been a groundswell of interest in addressing the loss of Civility in modern society. Members of both parties, young and old, rural, urban and suburban have begun to engage on this important topic. Civility is treating others with respect, especially when you disagree. It is a mental attitude, a habit, a character trait, a set of actions. Civility is a key to effective life in community, especially for participating in a democratic government.
Yet, I will argue that the loss of Civility is a symptom of much larger challenges rather than a root cause.
Our current challenging social and political situation is driven by the root causes of individualism, skepticism secularism, inadequate myths, human nature and insecurity. In a word: negativity. Civility embraces constructiveness, intentionality and public-spiritedness as clearly “positive” values. It is also based upon the “positive” values of human dignity, respect and acceptance. Is it reasonable to be so positive in a time of negativity driven by politicians, the media and our fellow citizens? The answer is “yes”. We have chosen to emphasize our challenges rather than our accomplishments. Those who pursue Civility need to be aware of the reality of modern progress, conditions in all areas of life and realistic opportunities for change.
Overall Good News
Improvements in all areas of life since the 1976 bicentennial are amazing!
Civility is a social norm and a set of behaviors based upon a set of shared values. We address public morality, the 7 Civility values and their broad support from different belief systems.
Morality
Thought leaders increasingly embrace the need for some kind of commonly held public morality to replace the historical background of Christianity and Western civilization.
Respect, responsibility, honesty, compassion and fairness comprise one set of values to consider.
Rabbi Sacks provides historical context of the ideas that have led to an “I” focused culture, outlines the symptoms of a weakened “We” culture, and provides some insights as to what can be done. He combines a politically and economically moderate view with a conservative social perspective.
“We will have to rebuild families and communities and voluntary organizations. We will come to depend more on networks of kinship and friendship. And we will rapidly discover that their very existence depends on what we give as well as what we take, on our willingness to shoulder duties, responsibilities, and commitments as well as claiming freedoms and rights.”
Teddy Roosevelt: “The first duty of an American citizen, then, is that he shall work in politics; his second duty is that he shall do that work in a practical manner; and his third is that it shall be done in accord with the highest principles of honor and justice.” The citizen should be like his “man in the arena”, fully engaged in important matters.
Brooks offers 15 solutions. Live for holiness. Fight selfishness. Use your heroic capacity to struggle against external and internal challenges. Humility is the first virtue. Pride is the central vice. Struggle against sin and for virtue. Purposely build character skills, habits, experiences and preferences. Focus on the long-term, permanent attributes of life. Seek help in building character. Recognize the U-shaped pattern of falling, evaluating, feeling and accepting grace and recovering. Quiet the self enough to listen and defeat weaknesses and temptations. Aim for a practical wisdom built upon experience and history rather than a perfect ideology, theology or philosophy. Organize work around a “vocation” and do your best. Define leadership as finding “a just balance between competing values and competing goals”. Embrace the path of becoming better in your vocation and better as a person. That is the opportunity we are given.
I’m summarizing the 2024 update of the 2011 original. The author’s views largely coincide with the modern Civility project. He starts with the political/democracy view of life and works backwards into how people should live their lives in all realms. He promotes an aspirational view of what we can and should do. He is widely read and incorporates a variety of materials, mostly academic, into the book. As a sociologist he stays at the middle level of detail, not becoming too abstract and philosophical. Dr. Palmer is a very solid writer, communicating his views clearly and incorporating appropriate support and stories. His Quaker religious background is evident throughout. His “new left” leanings provide examples, language and context that can challenge the moderate or conservative reader.
He directly addresses our real challenges. We’re stuck with each other. Individualism without community is a dead end. The media, consumerism, political scapegoats, populism and fascism are real threats. Our democratic political structures provide us with tools, not solutions. These structures are resilient, the issues are evergreen. We never fully settle our differences, and that is OK. The fear of the “other” is innate. The scientific expert view of life is inadequate and ultimately unsatisfying. We need effective myths to shape our worldviews, but they cannot be fixed and reductionistic like our science or business approaches. The key dimensions of life are best addressed with a tension of yes and probably not; individual and community, liberty and law, material and spirit, inward and outward, selfish and altruistic, principles and applications, etc. We live by habits. There are 5 habits relevant to democracy that require significant work to adopt. The ground or basis of life, truth, decisions and knowledge is “heart”, our intuitive ability to combine thought, feeling, skepticism, history, community and myth into decisions. It is an organic, holistic Quaker insight consistent with secular listening, focusing, psychology, philosophy, meditation, logic, systems, and social sciences. The author and publisher offer 40 video clips and a study guide for those who would like to share and explore this work with others.
Intro to 2024 Edition
We are in crisis in the Trump era. The 2001 “war on terrorism” response of demonizing other countries, growing the military and restricting civil liberties was only the beginning of our troubles. These challenges reinforce the need to invest in local, experiential, real conversations to build our Civility skills. Some groups are “beyond the pale”: violent, anti-factual, or racist. The loss of trust is an existential threat to our democracy. We cannot engage everyone; we only need a supermajority two-thirds to restore our system. “Habits of the heart” are built upon local interactions. Grassroots efforts to build these habits have spontaneously started in many places. Racial prejudice remains an issue. Progress in improving the human soul is slow, but worthwhile.
Politics of the Brokenhearted
People, like the author, who have heartfelt views of ideal human and political behavior, are often disappointed, even “brokenhearted”, when their deepest desires, insights and beliefs are unfulfilled. Today, our deepest political, philosophical, spiritual, religious, ethical, aesthetic, social views are often rejected by people and leaders. Despite many supporting factors, we fail to make political, religious, global and moral progress. This is the human condition. President Lincoln faced these challenges and was depressed. He overcame the disappointments to describe and take a constructive path forward. Storytelling is therapeutic. The “heart” is a critical concept: core of the self, where all ways of knowing converge. Despite the darkness we follow the light.
Humans are imperfect. Democracy is always at risk. The “heart”, our deepest ability to comprehend, can transform suffering into community, conflict into creative energy and tension into the common good. Dr. Palmer argues that the unavoidable contrasts/conflicts in life can lead to progress.
I. Democracy’s Ecosystem
Diverse races, ethnicities, classes and perspectives are foundational. We struggle with diversity, change and raggedyness. We seek to tame it in business, farming and politics. We need to consider efficiency and effectiveness. Diversity is inherent and good in nature. We are wired to fear the other, the stranger and diversity. Yet, we know intellectually that diversity provides us with tremendous benefits in marriage, trade, creativity, art, beauty, and religion. The tension between contrasting views, principles, measurements, frameworks, insights, beliefs, experiences, histories, etc. is not naturally or easily embraced, even though it is needed for personal growth. Individuals who choose to experience and wrestle with tension and heartbreak can become stronger, able to better manage future experiences. This persistence and earned personal growth do not “solve” the tension, conflict or pain, but it provides a greater ability to encounter it again and again. It is the only [partial] solution. Listening, empathy, exploration, dialogue, accountability, and problem-solving methods all matter.
Civility prioritizes the improvement of individuals. It does not demonize Washington, DC, big money, intolerance, passions, ignorance, or the 2-party system. These challenges are eternal. Human nature is eternal. We can make choices to improve our personal and political results.
“Heart” is a larger way of knowing. Mind, intellect, rationality, emotion, imagination and intuition are combined. This complex “heart” is what make us human. It aligns with religion, culture, community and the humanities as fundamentally organic, complex, spiritual and irreducible. Less complex views such as wealth, consumption, money, fear or progress are inadequate to the human condition. “Why do we suffer?” is a critical question that can only be answered by the heart. The question can be used by politicians to mislead people.
Deep thinking individuals like Quaker John Woolman can see solutions. They may involve holding the tension between conflicting people, interests or ideas for generations.
Politics of the heart rejects divisiveness, toxicity, passivity, powerlessness and commercialism.
Social movements leverage the “powers of the heart”.
II. Confessions of an Accidental Citizen
Personal advancement can be seen as more important than the common good. The responsibilities of citizenship are not really taught to children and youths, even those in professional class suburbs.
“Citizenship is a way of being in the world rooted in knowledge that I am a member of a vast community of human and nonhuman beings that I depend upon for essentials I could never provide for myself”. The community and the greater good matter, really matter, matter first! Yet the public good is unclear and disputed.
Hence, the political structure that provides long-term stability is elevated to become more important than the individual political decisions, no matter how heartfelt!!! This is an amazing result.
Democracy, political institutions and the heart can easily be misused by individuals or political leaders.
Rules and structure matter. Hope matters. Voluntary associations matter. Individualism can destroy community. Individualism has virtues.
Chutzpah says that I really matter. Humility says that I must know that I don’t know it all. We need both.
Five habits of the heart:
We are all in this together. We are interdependent.
We must appreciate the “other”. We prefer people of our own tribes who look, feel and think like us. We can recognize the great value to be had from interacting with “others”.
We must learn to hold contrasting ideas, values, preferences and experiences in tension. We don’t choose one over the other. We accept that they have pieces of the truth that cannot be reduced to one or the other. We are imperfect and broken humans who do not expect to have perfect knowledge.
We must define and express our personal views.
We must create community.
The Civility revolution takes place at the grassroots level.
III. The Heart of Politics
Palmer focuses on Terry Tempest Williams’ concept of living democracy.
“The human heart is the first home of democracy. It is where we embrace our questions. Can we be equitable? Can we be generous? Can we listen with our whole beings, not just our minds, and offer our attention rather than our opinions? And do we have enough resolve in our hearts to act courageously, relentlessly, without giving up – ever – trusting our fellow citizens to join with us in our determined pursuit of a living democracy?”
After 9/11, we showed as a nation that we have lost the ability to have civil debates about important topics. This was and remains very frustrating for most citizens.
Palmer says that we individually and collectively have the power in our hearts to address this shortcoming. He notes that these words challenge us about our own capacity for openness, honesty, trust and persistence. It’s not enough to lament politicians or the situation. The key is taking steps to make things better.
This insight does not support a simple romanticism. The heart can support the best or worst of mankind.
While Palmer’s politics are consistently from the left and criticize the rise of the far right in American politics, he is clear that the challenges of human life are faced by everyone. Generosity and self-interest. Listening and fear of hearing. Trusting and fearing. The aspirational challenge of values and moral character is inherent in human nature. It is easy to criticize others for their lapses while ignoring our own shortcomings.
Palmer dismisses claims that the strategy, resources and techniques of politics are most important by describing how emotional appeals to “family, faith and patriotism” are so effective.
He argues that heartfelt struggles generate our social ills. Fear drives consumerism. Arrogance requires more of everything. A spiritual emptiness drives false consumer solutions. Yet, Americans are also the most generous people on earth.
While feelings provide opportunities to manipulate people, the appeal of pure reason is similarly ineffective. Palmer describes Alan Greenspan’s 2008 “shocked disbelief” that individuals could be so greedy that the efficient banking markets could be destroyed. He criticizes our education and business culture for using reason alone to make decisions.
Palmer reiterates that “heart” is an integral way of knowing that combines thinking, feeling, experience, intuition and judgement. He illustrates it with a story of a USDA administrator facing pressure from his boss to comply with his politics, finally deciding to follow his “farmer’s heart” and recognize that “I report to the land”. The staffer used all of his experience, acknowledging the tensions of the different interests and perspectives before making a choice. The choice may be overruled but it helped to move larger conversations forward.
Palmer outlines “the power of heartbreak”. We all experience disappointments, large and small. We respond differently. Most of us are crushed, withdraw, weep, deny, delay and build defenses against future experiences by becoming stoic, less at risk, less emotional, etc. Yet others find ways (by necessity, insight, character, grace or luck) to digest the situation, experience it, learn and become stronger and more engaged. These experiences can make us stronger and more flexible rather than weaker and brittle. He’s arguing at two levels. In our personal day to day lives, and in our civic, political lives. If we can build the experiences, power, insight and strength in our personal lives we can apply this everywhere. Our heartbreak at the recent loss of Civility in our country can help us to work for change.
“Despite our sharp disagreements on the nature of the American dream, many of us on the left, on the right, and in the center have at least this much in common: a shared experience of heartbreak about the condition of our culture, our society and our body politic.”
“But a heart that has been consistently exercised through constant engagement with suffering is more likely to break open instead of apart. Such a heart has learned how to flex to hold tension in a way that expands its capacity for both suffering and joy.”
“But one day you emerge and discover, to your surprise that because of your devastating loss, your heart feels more grateful, alive and loving.”
“We must restore the wholeness of our civic community … hearts are the source of what Lincoln called ‘our bonds of affection”, that sense of unity among strangers that allows us to do what democracy demands of its citizens: engage collectively and creatively with issues of great moment, even – and especially – in times of intense conflict.”
Palmer acknowledges that we cannot be conflict free. He notes that conflict can drive creativity and resolve critical questions.
Palmer identifies our “inner emptiness, the absence of a strong sense of personal identity” as the most important cause of our situation. He proposes that we should look inward to our “hearts” rather than outward to prepackaged solutions. He describes the many negative impacts of consumerism on undermining the development of a personal identity. He describes how “scapegoating” by politicians and the media plays an especially virulent role in destroying personal identity by making people dependent on others for solutions and filling the victim role.
He comments: “Of course, many Americans find it not only possible but actually pleasant to live among strangers and take a pass at scapegoating. Put simply, these are the grown-ups who left the adolescent mindset behind and learned to take responsibility for their own inner struggles for meaning instead of seeking someone to blame.”
“Democracy needs and, at its best, breeds people who have minds of their own … The healthy self finds an identity that allows it to feel at home in its own skin and in the company of others, even (and sometimes especially) ‘alien’ others”.
IV. The Loom of Democracy
Palmer reiterates that we face conflicting views in our politics which create tensions. He argues that our political system, like a loom, can constructively hold this tension and produce constructive results, a cloth that is strong and new. “holding the tension of our political disagreements to keep us talking with each other and giving us chance after chance to reweave the fabric of our common life.” He highlights unavoidable tensions like freedom and discipline, and liberty and law. These inherently contrasting principles call for both/and rather than either/or solutions that take time to create and continue to evolve.
“The heart has the capacity to turn tension towards constructive ends, but there is nothing automatic about it.” It is more likely to succeed with successful practice. Prior failures may prevent future success. “Is it an experienced heart, a reflective heart, a heart made supple by inner exercise and responsive engagement with life? Or is it a heart grown brittle from being wounded, unattended and unhealed, sheltered and withdrawn, a heart more prone to shattering in the face of yet another demand?”
In addition to experiencing and growing from heartbreak, the author recommends “mindfulness, meditation or prayer, reading great literature … spending time in solitude … talking with a counselor or spiritual guide.”
Palmer argues that the American political system is designed to address “divergent” problems by maintaining engagement and commitment and driving creativity. He argues that forced solutions and final solutions destroy the community and the system. “In American-style democracy, the incessant conflicts of political life are meant to be contained within a dialectic of give-and-take, generating and even necessitating collaboration and inventiveness.”
The system allows topics to be addressed for long periods of time. No decision is final.
Palmer notes that “fight or flight” is hardwired in us but does not help to resolve divergent political decisions. He argues that the progress of civilization has been in inventing tools to overcome this either/or response: language, art, religion, education and democracy. [These inventions do] “not propose to bring life’s tensions to an end … [but] offers us a process for using them creatively, providing … structures that promise to turn the energy of tension towards constructive ends.” He notes that extreme individualism works against these tools that help us to work together in communities and associations of all sizes.
V. Life in the Company of Strangers
Palmer begins the chapter with a story about a taxi driver, illustrating the trade-off between the risks of interacting with the stranger, the “other” and the benefits of learning about people and the world.
He outlines a 3-level social world of private, public and political. We increasingly retreat to the private life. We are mostly isolated from the high-level political life, dominated by professionals. We have the opportunity to live in the “messy” middle public level where we can practice our interactions with others with conflicting values, interests and ideals.
Palmer argues that the skills, relationships, confidence and groups we form in the middle are the essence of democracy, like the “voluntary associations” emphasized by deTocqueville in the early 1800’s. The public life acts as a buffer zone between the private and the political, holding the political level accountable (ideally).
The geography of the public level is emphasized through the examples of a public house, other “great good” places for interaction, well-designed urban areas and events. Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone analysis of various places where we can interact or form community comes to mind.
Public organizations and places are where we can act with “dignity, independence, and vision”. We meet on common ground, accept the stranger, enrich our experience, express ourselves, identify concerns, debate, negotiate, identify needs, assist, generate ideas, share resources, protect and empower people. He emphasizes that these are possibilities rather than a set of utopias.
Palmer notes that public spaces and organizations are eliminated in authoritarian political systems. They act as a defense against the improper growth of centralized power.
Palmer notes that we make choices to interact, join and participate every day. Increasing these interactions at work, school, church, organizations and neighborhoods can change ourselves and the world around us. Small actions like potluck suppers, block parties, community gardens, porch sitting and holiday gatherings can have a large impact.
He ends the chapter with a description of Wendell Berry’s fictional small Kentucky town of Port William.
“Port William is a small farming community whose residents are not strangers to each other in the way city people are. Still, they remain strangers to each other in the way all of us are, no matter how well we may think we know each other: within each of us there is an endless, inarticulate play of shadow and light that makes us riddles to each other because we are riddles to ourselves. And yet all of the characters in this fictional world are integral and valued parts of what Berry calls ‘the Port Williams membership’. …This sense of membership is the ultimate gift of the public life … our sense that we belong to one another”.
VI. Classrooms and Congregations
Classrooms and congregations can provide great opportunities for us to participate in the public level of community and dialogue.
“Educational institutions have at least as much impact, and arguably more, on our basic assumptions about what is real, possible, and meaningful … we get images of ourselves … and images of the world”.
Without violating separation of church and state, Palmer argues that fundamental questions are unavoidable and should be addressed. “the nature of a ‘good life'”. [Rabbi Hillel asked:] “If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”
“An education that pretends to explore only the outer world is disingenuous and incomplete. A good education is intentional and thoughtful about helping students find an inner orientation toward what is ‘out there’ that will be life-giving for them in the world … Do I have gifts? … does my life have purpose? … whom and what can I trust? … how can I rise above my fears? … how do I deal with suffering? … how can I maintain hope?”
Inner-life questions are embedded in all subjects, not just literature and the arts. They must be inserted. Courses should connect normal content with context and application.
Education should be more experiential encouraging students to experience the give-and-take of the public level. Students can engage within school and in the community. Teachers should be facilitators rather than scientific experts. The humanities courses must be preserved and enriched.
Congregations can also provide opportunities for public level engagement. Church governance participation. Church program leadership and participation. Peer counseling. Small group interaction. Potluck suppers! The use of consensus as the standard for decisions rather than majority rule.
Elevate “hospitality” to become a duty. “When a believer fails to offer hospitality to a stranger, the spiritual journey comes to a sudden halt … Becoming people who offer hospitality to strangers requires us to open our hearts time and again to the tension created by our fear of ‘the other'”.
VII. Safe Space for Deep Democracy
“The spaces in which our hearts are formed are not always made of bricks and mortar – they are also created by images, ideas, and ideals … the wellspring of all notional space is the human heart … if our hearts are large and supple enough to hold the tensions of those questions in a life-giving way, they produce ideas and ideals that feed a living democracy”.
We cannot let the media define our reality and spaces. “if we are to be citizens of a democracy, we must spend time in conceptual spaces defined by personal experience”.
Solitude, compartments, inner voice. “We also need safe spaces for small gatherings of ‘the company of strangers,’ spaces where citizens can come together to explore the challenge of living heartfelt lives in the neighborhood, in the workplace, and in the larger world.”
Circle of trust meetings, small groups, professional organization meetings, rocking and talking groups, Camp Obama, power of storytelling.
VIII. The Unwritten History of the Heart
“name, claim, and examine the myths that animate our personal or collective lives, myths that give voice to deep movements of the heart … a myth is an effort to tell truths that cannot be told with mere facts or known by the senses and mind alone, truths that take form only in the integrative place called the heart.”
“Myths do more than name truths that lie deeper than mere facts … they also name aspirations that might be achieved … when we openly acknowledge this gap between aspiration and reality and are willing to live to it honestly, a myth can encourage us to bring what we are a bit closer to what we seek to be.”
[America’s myth is found in the “Declaration, the Constituion, the Pledge of Allegiance, or our national anthem.” It is easily accessible and easily perverted into a simplistic, fully achieved status.
Many Americans believe in the full achievement of the American ideals. Palmer disagrees regarding military power, economic growth, opportunity and the melting pot. “Taken together, myths like these have been foundations of national pride, and we have taken their truth for granted … if we want to reclaim our democracy, we need to do the challenging heart-work of examining our myths, seeing how far they are from the reality of our national life, then reclaiming their embedded visions and doing the hard work necessary to bring reality closer to them.”
Palmer argues that reclaiming democracy can be done through the stages of past movements for social change. “Movements of social transformation are sparked by people who are isolated, marginalized, and oppressed but who do not fall into despair.”
The four stages are initial actions of courage, communities of congruence, going public and seeing signs of success.
It is necessary to act with hope in the tragic gap between today and tomorrow. It can be done by holding ourselves to the standard of faithfulness rather than the standard of effectiveness. The great movements take a long time.
Evaluation
Center-left or new-left bias is only sometimes acknowledged.
Racial and economic conflict are taken for granted.
There is a “small is beautiful” preference.
Myths, religion, spirituality are emphasized as essential.
Practical solutions are offered.
Utopian solutions are discounted but there remains an organic bias.
The 5 habits emphasize community, tolerance/tension, individual expression/agency and respect for the “other”. These are consistent with the 7 Civility values but the centrality of respect for the “other” inserts a value that is not universally shared. Jonathan Haidt emphasizes the validity of cultures that are more inward looking.
Dr. Palmer’s insights align with my 6 root causes (individualism, imperfect myths, secular age, insecurity/fear, human nature/greed) except he does not highlight excessive skepticisim.
His solutions are very aspirational. Are they possible for everyone or just a few?
Is the “heart” a valid construct? How does it work? Is this the “inner voice” of one religious perspective?
Is the growth of the heart through repeated heartbreak a valid, useful or widespread concept? I think we can all understand that this happens for some people at some times. It is a blessing and an inspiration. Can we base our life’s journey on this approach?
I think that Dr. Palmer provides a consistent evaluation of our current situation and reasonable steps forward. His study guide and video clips provide tools for groups to evaluate his ideas and promote the growth of Civility.
Good News 