6-06 Problem First Protocol

This 15-minute structured exercise is designed to help individuals or teams shift their focus from interpersonal conflict (blaming people) to functional problem-solving (fixing the issue). It is based on the principle of “attacking the problem, not the person”. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Exercise: The Problem-First Protocol (15 Minutes) [5]

Objective: To externalize a conflict, define the technical issue, and move toward solutions without involving personalities.

Materials Needed: Paper/sticky notes and pens. [6, 7]

Phase 1: Silent Brain Dump (4 Minutes)

• Step 1 (2 min): Write down the current conflict in as much detail as possible. Focus on what is bothering you.
• Step 2 (2 min): Go back through what you wrote and circle every time you used a person’s name, “you,” or “they.”
• Purpose: To realize how much of the narrative is focused on people rather than facts. [8, 9]

Phase 2: “De-Personing” the Problem (4 Minutes)

• Step 3 (4 min): Rephrase the entire issue on a new piece of paper, removing all names and pronouns. Instead of “John didn’t send the report, making me late,” write “The report was not delivered by the deadline, causing a delay in the project”.
• Focus: Describe the process gap or the technical shortcoming rather than the human behavior. [9, 10]

Phase 3: Root Cause Analysis (4 Minutes)

• Step 4 (4 min): Ask “Why?” five times to find the root cause, ignoring blame.
  • Problem: The report was late.
  • Why? I didn’t get the data.
  • Why? The data extraction tool didn’t run.
  • Why? The automated server was down… (Continue until a structural issue is found). [11]

Phase 4: Actionable Solutions (3 Minutes)

• Step 5 (3 min): Brainstorm 3 potential solutions that fix the process, not the person.
  • Example: Implement an alert system when the server is down (instead of yelling at John).

This method immediately separates the intent (problem) from the interpretation (people).

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6olj0O3h4w

[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOdPwCaKwGY

[3] https://www.restoryatherapy.com/post/exercise-externalizing-your-problems

[4] https://www.calm.com/blog/negative-self-talk

[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPNUd-NgCnA

[6] https://www.npr.org/2022/10/13/1128983339/braving-the-quarterlife-crisis

[7] https://roxanemaar.medium.com/the-startup-family-relationship-vision-goal-planning-workshop-60e35f32ac54

[8] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TM0nmowC5I

[9] https://lianedavey.com/an-exercise-to-expose-team-dysfunction-in-one-meeting/

[10] https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWWyhvqiFvL/

[11] https://symondsresearch.com/conflict-management-activities/

[12] https://www.youtube.com/shorts/BWrz0WPt_Fo

[13] https://pikesvillepsychologist.com/2016/exercise-argue-better/

[14] https://teambuilding.com/en/articles/conflict-resolution

5 Whys

6-05 Distinguishing I and You Statements

This 10-minute workshop is designed to teach participants how to use “I” statements to communicate effectively, reduce defensiveness, and resolve conflicts by taking ownership of their emotions. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Workshop Outline (10 Minutes)

• 0:00–0:02: Introduction & “You” vs. “I” (2 min)
  • Goal: Define “I” statements and highlight the difference between blaming and owning feelings.
  • Concept: “You” statements (e.g., “You never listen”) create defensiveness. “I” statements focus on the speaker’s own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, which builds trust.
  • Activity: Read a, example of a “You” statement: “You make me so angry!” and ask how it feels to hear that.
• 0:02–0:05: The “I” Statement Formula (3 min)
  • Goal: Teach the structure of an effective “I” statement.
  • The 4-Part Formula:
    1. When… (Describe the behavior objectively: “When you raise your voice…”)
    2. I feel… (State your emotion: “…I feel intimidated…”)
    3. Because… (Explain the impact: “…because I cannot express my thoughts.”)
    4. I need/would prefer… (Offer a resolution: “…I need us to speak calmly.”)
  • Alternative Formula: “I feel [emotion] when [behavior] because [impact], and I would like [solution]”.
• 0:05–0:08: Practice & Transformation (3 min)
  • Goal: Convert “You” statements into “I” statements.
  • Examples to transform:

• Instead of: “You never clean up!”
• Try: “I feel stressed when the kitchen is messy because I enjoy a calm space. I would appreciate it if we could make a cleaning plan.”
• Instead of: “You are always late!”
• Try: “I feel frustrated when I wait for 20 minutes because my time feels disrespected. I would like it if you could text me if you are running late.”

• Activity: Have participants transform one personal example.
• 0:08–0:10: Key Takeaways & Tips (2 min)
  • Goal: Review and emphasize self-responsibility.
  • Tips: Focus on feelings, not accusations. It is not just about the words, but a shift in mindset to own your emotions and actions.
  • Closing: “I” statements are a catalyst for problem-solving and collaboration. [5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11]

Key Takeaways

• Avoid “You”: “You” statements often make others feel attacked or blamed.
• Focus on Feelings: “I” statements allow you to share your emotions without criticizing others.
• Be Specific: Clearly describe the behavior, the impact, and the desired solution.
• Strengthen Relationships: Using this method reduces conflict and increases understanding. [6, 11, 12, 13, 14]
•  

[1] https://grouptherapycertification.com/creating-i-statements/

[2] https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/browse/not-grade-specific?search=%22i+statements%22

[3] https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Using-I-Messages-Lesson-Plan-Communication-Styles-I-Statements-4272257

[4] https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf

[5] https://www.youtube.com/shorts/9uVinqDXdwU

[6] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

[7] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yV0vNgdoec

[8] https://thriveworks.com/help-with/communication/i-statements/

[9] https://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf

[10] https://jewishcamp.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/3a-Communication-I-Statements.pdf

[11] https://www.firstsession.com/resources/how-to-use-i-statements

[12] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7SlIweUaks

[13] https://www.wikihow.com/Use-%22I%22-Language

[14] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-feeling-statements-425163

https://thecounselinghub.com/news/mkniuct0phmijh51wz0qb4ksstgfpq

https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/blog/i-statements-vs-you-statements/

‘https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-communication-exercises-for-couples-to-have-better-relationships/

‘https://thriveworks.com/help-with/communication/i-statements/

6-04 Resilience

https://positivepsychology.com/resilience-activities-exercises/

Resilience is more than bouncing back from adversity; it’s about growing by learning from life’s challenges. Resilience activities help develop the capacity to adapt, recover, thrive, and flourish during hard times.

This article expands on the science behind resilience training, exploring evidence-based resilience activities and strategies that support the development of psychological flexibility and wellbeing. We’ll explore how resilience training helps people navigate life’s difficulties and how it enhances overall life satisfaction, meaning, and purpose.

By identifying character strengths and using them to embrace vulnerabilities, resilience training helps transform setbacks, losses, and even disasters into opportunities for personal growth.

Moreover, resilience training develops a mindset that understands that challenges, setbacks, losses, and tragedy are an unavoidable part of the human experience, not a personal failing (Ketelaars et al., 2024; Zhai et al., 2021). This shift in perspective helps people meet loss and change with steadiness and compassion rather than fear or avoidance.

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life: Martin E. P. Seligman: 8601400332726: Amazon.com: Books

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment: Seligman, Martin E. P.: 9780743222983: Amazon.com: Books

Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being: Seligman, Martin E. P.: 9781439190760: Amazon.com: Books

Exercise 1: Each night for a week, write down three things that went well that day and why they happened.

Exercise 2: Take a strengths inventory test or review the Gallup Strengths/Talents list.  Best $60 investment you’ll ever make.  See or just choose your top 5.  You are probably in the top 5% of people on these abilities and use them in ways that are very difficult for most other people.  For each of the 5, think of one time you used it this week.  What was the result?  How much effort was involved?  Could you apply this talent more widely or deeply tomorrow?

https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/253715/34-cliftonstrengths-themes.aspx

What Are the 34 CliftonStrengths Themes? | EN – Gallup

SISU:

Finnish SISU: Extraordinary Perseverance – Good News

Finnish SISU: Extraordinary Perseverance

Finland is a tiny country. 5.6 million people in a world of 8.3 billion people. One of every 1,500 people lives in Finland. About the size of metro Philadelphia or metro Atlanta. Smaller than 72 cities. Less than Miami, Singapore, Dallas or Toronto. Just 1/5th the size of Jakarta, Dhaka, Tokyo, Delhi or Shanghai!!!!

An unusual language, distantly related to Hungarian and more closely connected with Estonian.

Yet, it clearly “punches above its weight”. 5 Nobel prize winners. Retaining its independence in 1940 against a vastly superior Russian army. 480 Olympic medals. Perennial global ice hockey competitor. Paavo Nurmi, the flying Finn. 2006 Eurovision song winner. Northern lights. Reindeer.

Finland experienced massive outmigration through time. 500,000 to the US and Canada. 650,000 Finnish descendants in the US today. 140,000 to Russia. 500,000 to Sweden.

Balmy Helsinki’s average daily high is 30 in December/January/February and 69 in June/July/August.

Today we incredibly look to Finland as the “happiest” country in the world with the “best” school system! This does not compute!

The SISU attitude is considered a national treasure. Extraordinary perseverance, an action mindset, latent power, resilience, community, spiritual force, the good life. In essence, an indomitable collective will to survive and thrive despite many threats.

An example for all of the world to consider.

Sisu: The Finnish art of inner strength

Sisu: Finnish SISU Explained

Sisu: The Finnish Secret of Inner Strength and Resilience | Psychology Today

What Sisu Can Teach Us About Well-Being | Psychology Today

What Finnish Can Teach Us About Resilience | Psychology Today

Finnish fun.

The Finnish Secret to Happiness: Why They Laugh 🇫🇮✨ #funny #trending #comedy #jokes #2danimation

How to greet a Finn😎 No Finnish needed🤪👋🏻 #finland

6-03 Positivity / Optimism

To maintain positivity during high-stakes conversations and negotiations, you can use this structured 15-minute exercise. It combines internal grounding with tactical communication techniques to shift the dynamic from “combat” to “collaboration”. [1, 2, 3, 4]

The 15-Minute Positivity Reset

Time [2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14]	Phase	Action
0-3 min	Internal Grounding	Physical Anchoring: Notice your breath and physical sensations (tension, tightness). Use the affirmation, “No matter what happens, I can handle it,” to address underlying anxiety.
3-6 min	Perspective Shift	Reframing the “Opponent”: Visualize the other party not as an enemy, but as a partner with their own fears and needs. Identify one shared goal you both have, such as “finding a sustainable solution”.
6-10 min	Tactical Prep	Positive Framing: Draft 2-3 “want” or “question” phrases instead of “demands.” For example, “I wonder if you might be willing to help me out here” instead of “I need this”. Prepare to use Tactical Empathy by labeling potential negatives: “It seems like you’re concerned about the timeline…”.
10-13 min	Mental Rehearsal	Active Visualization: Imagine the conversation going well. Visualize yourself taking a conscious breath before reacting to a difficult statement, keeping your tone warm and curious.
13-15 min	Final Check	Commit to Curiosity: Set the intention to let the other person finish their thoughts completely before you respond. Acknowledge that while you can’t control their reaction, you can control your centered presence.

Key Positivity Tactics for the Conversation

• Use Appreciation: Open with sincere small talk or express genuine thanks for the other party’s time and effort to build immediate rapport.
• Mirror and Label: Subtly repeat the last 1–3 words of what the other person said (mirroring) and label their emotions (“It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated…”) to diffuse tension.
• Focus on “I” Statements: Use constructive language like “I notice I’m becoming defensive” to acknowledge energy without attacking the other person.
• Acknowledge without Agreeing: Use phrases like “This sounds really important to you” to show you’ve heard them, which creates psychological safety without making a premature concession. [8, 10, 11, 12, 13]

This 15-minute exercise, called “Flip the Script,” helps maintain positivity by replacing negative conversational habits with constructive alternatives, focusing on active listening and solution-oriented language. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

15-Minute “Flip the Script” Exercise

• Minutes 1-5: Identify Negative Patterns (Individual/Small Group)
  • List 3-5 negative, defensive, or roadblock statements you often hear or use (e.g., “That won’t work,” “We’ve never done it that way,” “It’s not my job”).
• Minutes 6-12: The “Flip” (Brainstorming)
  • Rephrase each statement into a positive, constructive alternative that encourages collaboration.
  • Example: “That won’t work” $\rightarrow$ “What can we adjust to make this viable?”.
  • Example: “We can’t do that” $\rightarrow$ “I can do X, and here is what I need help with”.
• Minutes 13-15: Practice & Commitment
  • Roleplay a 1-minute scenario using the new, positive phrasing.
  • Commit to using at least one “flipped” phrase in your next conversation. [2, 4, 5, 6]

Key Principles for Ongoing Positivity:

• Pause & Breathe: Before reacting to a challenging statement, take a moment to regulate, avoiding immediate, emotional responses.
• Active-Constructive Listening: Ask open-ended questions like “What can we learn from this?” to encourage growth rather than blame.
• Label Emotions: Label negative emotions (e.g., “I feel concerned when…”) rather than acting on them to reduce their power. [5, 7, 8, 9]

[1] https://positivepsychology.com/positive-thinking-exercises/

[2] https://www.skillsconverged.com/blogs/free-training-materials/communication-exercise-eliminate-negative-talk

[3] https://www.tiktok.com/@melrobbins/video/7548506726790712631

[4] https://positivepsychology.com/positive-communication/

[5] https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening-techniques/

[6] https://www.fearlesslygirl.com/blog/the-power-of-positive-self-talk-a-guided-activity-for-girls-young-women

[7] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUiWqXI5sGg

[8] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNtf4kJJWg0

[9] https://brilliancewithincoaching.com/have-this-15-minute-conversation-every-week/

https://augment.org/blog/positive-thinking-exercises

https://hsi.com/blog/positive-thinking-exercises-for-the-workplace

6 Ways to Raise Positivity & Create a Different Conversation

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950

• Don’t do that
• We can’t do it
• It can’t be done
• We don’t do such thing
• It is against our policy
• We have never done this before
• It has never been done
• No one knows how to do this
• You don’t know how this works
• The management is clueless
• The staff are clueless
• They sit there all day and do nothing
• No one cares

6-02 Authenticity – Balancing Values and Tolerance

A workshop designed to balance personal values and beliefs with the need for tolerance aims to help participants navigate the tension between holding firm convictions and respecting diverse perspectives. Such workshops often utilize value-based decision-making exercises to transform abstract principles into practical, everyday behaviors that encourage coexistence without requiring individuals to abandon their core truths. [1, 2] [We’re just going to review what this kind of 60-90-120 minute exercise looks like].

Here is a structured overview for designing or facilitating this type of workshop:

1. Workshop Objectives

• Clarify Core Values: Identify and prioritize personal values that act as a “compass” for behavior.
• Define Tolerance: Explore the difference between tolerance (accepting others’ rights to beliefs/actions) and validation (agreeing with them).
• Bridge the Gap: Develop skills to navigate the space between personal convictions and the need to coexist with differing opinions.
• Reduce Defensive Reactions: Shift from knee-jerk reactions to intentional responses when encountering opposing views. [2, 3, 4, 5, 6]

2. Core Workshop Activities

• Values Identification Exercise (Values Card Sort): Participants select their top personal values from a list to understand what is most important to them.
• “What You Tolerate” Mapping: Participants map their own tolerance patterns (what they allow, what they ignore) to identify their real-life values, rather than just their stated values.
• Beliefs vs. Values Mapping: Distinguish between flexible beliefs and deeply held, non-negotiable core values.
• Scenario Role-Playing: Use hypothetical scenarios where deeply held beliefs conflict with the need for professional or social tolerance, focusing on practical resolutions.
• Personal Action Plan: Participants create a plan to apply their clarified values to real-life situations, ensuring their daily actions align with their beliefs. [1, 7, 8, 9, 10]

3. Key Topics & Discussion Points

• Truth vs. Tolerance: Discussions based on the concept that practitioners can stand for personal truths while practicing respect for others holding different views.
• The Value of Diversity: Exploring how different, even contradictory, opinions lead to growth and prevent a “boring” or rigid world.
• Setting Boundaries: Recognizing that tolerance does not mean accepting behavior that causes harm. [2, 11]

4. Setting the Scene

• Safe Container: Establish ground rules of confidentiality and respect to allow for open dialogue on “awkward” or contentious topics.
• Focus on Behaviors: Emphasize that the goal is not to force everyone to share the same beliefs, but to change how they act toward others.
• Use Reflective Exercises: Start with reflection on personal, real-world experiences, such as “revisiting a moment you felt unsettled, overwhelmed, or judgmental” to trigger insights into personal values. [12, 13, 14]

5. Practical Application

Participants should leave with a drafted set of personal values and a “Personal Action Plan” detailing how to live those values while demonstrating respect for others, ensuring that the lessons go beyond self-knowledge into daily practice. [1, 15, 16]

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d64WvMU4qQY

[2] https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2013/02/balancing-truth-and-tolerance?lang=eng

[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDCkHfC09BM

[4] https://www.corban.edu/event/worthy-whole-workshop/

[5] https://m.youtube.com/shorts/Hd-lwuqjJrU

[6] https://www.aaronjanderson.com/blog/we-can-build-a-beautiful-city-tolerance

[7] https://blog.hptbydts.com/workshop-10-values-alignment-workshop

[8] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ9K70CSEiI

[9] https://www.youtube.com/shorts/rUOr8Aqi2h4

[10] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZ9K70CSEiI

[11] https://m.youtube.com/shorts/sdPgjY_oQgk

[12] https://dpi.wi.gov/sites/default/files/imce/sspw/pdf/Ethics_and_Boundaries_Toolkit_Exploring_Personal_Values_Exercise.pdf

[13] https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/campaigns/2021/06/ltay-toolkit-being-a-multiplier/

[14] https://www.fearlessculture.design/blog-posts/the-personal-beliefs-canvas

[15] https://www.dalecarnegie.com/en/courses/6741

[16] https://fshnkuwait.org/blog-post/draw-the-line/

Active Tolerance: How to Be Tolerant Without Abandoning Your Values

https://www.mymirror.com.au/education/join-us-online-workshop-leading-with-your-values-for-confidence-balance

Doing What Matters – The Power of Values-Based Living

6-01 Maintaining Self-Respect and Boundaries

This 10-minute, three-part exercise is designed to help you identify your core values, visualize firm boundaries, and practice assertive, dignified responses to boundary-pushers. [1, 2, 3, 4]

Exercise: The “Centered Conversation” Protocol (10 Minutes)

Goal: To move from passive compliance or aggressive reaction to assertive, dignified communication.

Phase 1: Clarify & Center (Minutes 1–3)

Goal: Identify your value and set your internal boundary.

1. Identify the Threat: Think of a specific, recurring conversation where you feel your dignity or values are compromised (e.g., a boss overloading you, a relative commenting on your life, a friend oversharing).
2. Name the Value: What value is being violated? (e.g., Respect, Autonomy, Peace, Privacy).
3. Define the Boundary: Write down one sentence defining what you will not allow, starting with “I need” or “I am no longer willing to…”.
   • Example: “I need to keep my financial decisions private.” [6, 7, 8]

Phase 2: Visualize & Embody (Minutes 4–5)

Goal: Mentally prepare to maintain composure.

1. Visualize the Scene: Close your eyes and imagine the person breaking that boundary.
2. Somatic Check: Where do you feel tension? (Jaw, stomach, shoulders).
3. Breathe and Assert: Take a deep breath. Imagine a calm, protective light around you. Mentally practice saying your boundary sentence from Phase 1, but this time, visualize yourself saying it calmly, without apologizing or explaining. [9, 10, 11]

Phase 3: Act & Refine – Scripts (Minutes 6–10)

Goal: Practice polite but firm responses. Select one of these “dignity-first” scripts to rehearse out loud:

• The “No” without Justification: “I understand you’d like me to do that, but I cannot.”
• The Redirection: “I appreciate your concern, but I’d prefer to discuss my choices only when I specifically ask for advice.”
• The Boundary Reminder: “I’ve already decided on this, so I am not looking for input on it.”
• The Time-Out: “I value our relationship, but I need to set a boundary here. I’m not comfortable with this topic, so I’m going to step away from this conversation now.” [12, 13, 14]

Tips for Success

• Keep it Short: Do not justify, rationalize, or apologize. Less is more.
• Accept the Discomfort: You may feel guilty when setting boundaries. Do it anyway; boundary-setting is self-care, not selfishness.
• Stay Focused: If the person pushes back, use the “Broken Record” technique: calmly repeat your boundary in the same words. [9, 15, 16]

Reflect: How did it feel to speak your boundary out loud?

[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lJJpwLRBxQ

[2] https://medium.com/the-ascent/a-powerful-10-minute-exercise-to-clarify-your-values-7c1d17ab40a6

[3] https://positivepsychology.com/healthy-boundaries-worksheets/

[4] https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/setting-boundaries

[5] https://www.healthline.com/health/gift-guide-creating-and-maintaining-boundaries-during-holidays

[6] https://www.youtube.com/shorts/RqVaizFKG7g

[7] https://positivepsychology.com/healthy-boundaries-worksheets/

[8] https://www.lifeinsightcenter.com/the-4-c-s-of-setting-healthy-bounderies

[9] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA_az9uFbiE

[10] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202302/how-to-create-your-own-healthy-boundary

[11] https://guidedresilience.com/the-power-of-connection-strengthening-your-relationships-in-divisive-times/

[12] https://www.cambermentalhealth.org/2025/05/19/therapist-approved-boundary-phrases/

[13] https://www.gentleobservations.com/post/12-powerful-boundary-setting-scripts-to-say-no-without-guilt

[14] https://momentumpsychology.com/how-to-set-boundaries-examples-and-scripts/

[15] https://www.estherkane.com/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships-2/

[16] https://headway.co/resources/boundaries-activity-for-group-therapy

Sample Short Difficult Conversations:

5-14 Listen to Understand

A 15-minute workshop on “Seek First to Understand” (Habit 5 from Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) focuses on shifting from “listening to reply” to “listening to understand”. This practice builds trust, reduces conflict, and ensures more accurate problem-solving.

Workshop Agenda (15 Minutes)

Time [3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12]	Activity	Description
0–3 min	The Concept	Explain the core principle: Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply. Use the phrase “Help me understand” to disarm others and invite detail.
3–6 min	Self-Audit	Identify the 4 Autobiographical Responses we often use instead of truly listening: 1. Evaluating: Judging/agreeing/disagreeing. 2. Probing: Asking questions from our own frame of reference. 3. Advising: Giving solutions before fully understanding the issue. 4. Interpreting: Analyzing motives based on our own experiences.
6–12 min	Practice Pair-Up	Participants spend 3 minutes each in a “Listener” role: • Focus: Body language and eye contact. • Action: Summarize what you heard in your own words before responding. • Goal: Make the speaker feel heard and validated.
12–15 min	The Challenge	Commit to a 24-hour listening challenge: Pause before responding and ask one clarifying question instead of giving advice.

Key Takeaways for Participants

• Empathic Listening: This isn’t just about words; it’s about understanding the feelings and intent behind them.
• Psychological Safety: When people feel understood, their defenses lower, making them more receptive to your perspective later.
• Efficiency: While it takes time upfront, it prevents the need to “back up” and fix misunderstandings later.

This facilitator guide is designed to help you lead the 15-minute “Seek First to Understand” micro-workshop. It provides a structured script and specific prompts to ensure participants shift from passive hearing to empathic listening.

Facilitator Script & Cues

Phase	Facilitator Script / Action	Key Instructional Goal
Opening (0-3m)	“We often listen just to plan our response. Today, we practice Habit 5: listening to understand. When you feel the urge to jump in, use the phrase: ‘Help me understand…‘”	Set the purpose and process clearly.
Concept (3-6m)	“Watch for the ‘Autobiographical Trap.’ Do you judge (Evaluate), drill for info (Probe), fix it (Advise), or guess their motives (Interpret)? Those make it about you, not them.”	Define barriers like the rebuttal tendency.
Practice (6-12m)	“In pairs, Person A speaks while Person B listens. Person B, you cannot make your point until you restate Person A’s point to their satisfaction.”	Enforce the Seek First to Understand Rule.
Closing (12-15m)	“For the next 24 hours, try this: Before giving advice, summarize what you heard and ask, ‘Did I get that right?'”	Launch a 24-hour listening challenge.

Practice Exercise Prompts

Ask the Speaker (Person A) to choose one of these low-stakes but personal topics to discuss for 3 minutes:

• The “Work Hurdle”: Describe a small, recurring frustration you face at work and how it makes you feel.
• The “Proud Moment”: Share a recent win or project you’re proud of and why it mattered to you.
• The “Ideal Workspace”: If you could redesign your workday for maximum focus, what would it look like?

Facilitator Tips for Success

• Model Neutrality: As the leader, maintain neutrality and active listening throughout the session.
• Manage the “Fix-Its”: If you hear a listener offering immediate advice, gently intervene: “Remember, seek to understand the feeling before you offer the fix“.
• Summarization Technique: Encourage listeners to use phrases like “I’m not following; could you clarify the main points for me?” to ensure they aren’t just mimicking words but understanding intent.
• Watch Body Language: Remind participants that engagement is non-verbal—open posture and eye contact are essential.

https://www.franklincovey.com/courses/the-7-habits/habit-5/#:~:text=The%20Principle%20of%20Respect,share%20their%20perspective%20and%20emotions.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood® | The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

‘https://www.episcopalchurch.org/make-me-an-instrument-of-peace/?wchannelid=ne7618w2t5&wmediaid=qk3nqkp795

5-13 Mirroring and Matching Communications

Expert Academy: How to Instantly Click With Others (7:58)

How to instantly click with others – MIRRORING TECHNIQUE

You may wish to play at 1.4x-1.7x speed

Optional video (7:35) What Not to Do

Matching and Mirroring – NLP – YouTube

https://www.smarttalktherapy.com/post/repairing-communication-in-relationships-the-mirroring-technique

Maintaining communication and connection can be one of the hardest obstacles in a marriage or long term relationship. Remembering to preserve and nurture an emotional bond is often something that falls to the wayside, especially when life’s other tasks get in the way. You might find that you’ve been having trouble connecting and seeing eye to eye with your significant other, or even with a close friend. The mirroring technique, used often in couples therapy, is a communication strategy that can serve as a guideline for reigniting meaningful and empathetic conversations. This technique is a multifaceted approach, the pillars of which include listening, reflection, accepting, and encouraging.

              The first step of the mirroring technique is active listening. While this may seem like something that would come into play automatically during a conversation, it can actually take a great deal of effort to truly listen and hear what your partner is saying. The key to this first step is giving your partner undivided attention. Some ways to do this would be to turn off your phone, turn off the television, and find a quiet space without distractions. To practice active listening, it’s important to maintain eye contact and provide your partner with assurance that you’re hearing them. To show this, you could give verbal cues such as “tell me more about that” or “I completely understand.”

The second step of mirroring involves reflection. Once your partner has shared their thoughts and feelings, and you have listened with undivided attention, a good practice is to then summarize and reflect back to them what you have heard. This is a good way to ensure that you are understanding them correctly and also make them feel validated in what they are feeling. Providing reflection and affirmation such as “it sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure at work” or “it sounds like that conversation with your friend really upset you” shows that you both heard and understand what your partner is telling you.

              The next step of mirroring is acceptance, which means listening and connecting to your partner without judgment or assumption. This can be a tricky step, as you want to reflect and validate without adding your own interpretation to their words. In this step, it’s important to remain curious and acknowledge their emotions using language that they themselves have used, instead of providing an alternate perspective or saying phrases like “have you thought about doing this instead” or “you shouldn’t feel that way.”

              The fourth step of mirroring is encouragement. Once you have successfully listened, reflected, and accepted what your partner has been saying to you, you can then leave space for your partner to expand upon what they were expressing. Encouraging your significant other to elaborate on what they were saying not only shows that you value their perspective, but also shows that you are genuinely curious to hear more. Some examples of encouraging phrases could be, “how have you been handling that so far?” or “what else have you been feeling about this situation?”

              There are many benefits to utilizing the mirror technique, both in couples therapy and just as an occasional exercise in your relationship. One benefit is that this technique creates a space for honest communication without judgment. It encourages partners, in both the speaker and the listener roles, to express themselves without the fear of being misunderstood or misinterpreting their partner. The mirror technique can also be very helpful in conflict resolution. During an argument, tensions and negative emotions may overwhelm the understanding part of our brains, and so this technique can create a calm environment to hear your partner from a place of empathy. Providing an element of validation can make a huge difference during conflict.

              By incorporating the mirroring technique, you can create a pattern of fulfilling dialogue and a deeper connection within your relationship. It’s important to remember that while it may sound straightforward, this technique may not always be easy, as you might not always agree with what your partner is telling you. The point of this exercise is not to come to an agreement, but to attempt to see things from your partner’s position and respect their perspective as you would want them to respect yours.

5-12 Patience and Interrupting

Kevin Eikenberry (6:02)

How to Stop Interrupting

May play at 1.4x – 1.7x speed.

How To Listen Without Interrupting | by Jake Daghe | Better Marketing

If you’ve looked into this idea at all over the past few years, you’ve likely heard the very commonly toted stat by companies like Time Magazine and The Telegraph that the average human being’s attention span (8 seconds) is now shorter than that of a goldfish (9 seconds).

Optional Fun (warning swear words)

Ted Lasso: Be A Goldfish

Ex 5-11: Things We Have in Common

https://livestorm.co/ice-breaker-games/find-10-things-in-common

What is Find 10 Things in Common

“Find 10 Things in Common” is all about working together with your coworkers to uncover ten things everyone shares, whether it’s hobbies, favorite foods, or even weird habits. It’s a great way to build connections and get the team spirit going.

Objective: The main aim is to bond by discovering ten unique things that tie all participants together, sparking conversation and friendship along the way.

This game can be played in a small or large group!

How to play Find 10 Things in Common

1. Break everyone up into small teams of 2-4.
2. Each team’s mission is to come up with ten unique things that all members have in common.
3. You can chat about anything – what you love doing, eating, visiting, or any odd habit you might have.
4. But, there’s a twist: the commonalities have to be specific, nothing broad like “we all eat food”.
5. After your team has found their ten things, you’ll share them with everyone else.

Common Moral Values

We Have More in Common Than You Think

Civility: Nature versus Nurture

Words for Who We Are in Common

The 7 Civility Values are Supported by World Religions