Review

I’m summarizing the 2024 update of the 2011 original. The author’s views largely coincide with the modern Civility project. He starts with the political/democracy view of life and works backwards into how people should live their lives in all realms. He promotes an aspirational view of what we can and should do. He is widely read and incorporates a variety of materials, mostly academic, into the book. As a sociologist he stays at the middle level of detail, not becoming too abstract and philosophical. Dr. Palmer is a very solid writer, communicating his views clearly and incorporating appropriate support and stories. His Quaker religious background is evident throughout. His “new left” leanings provide examples, language and context that can challenge the moderate or conservative reader.

He directly addresses our real challenges. We’re stuck with each other. Individualism without community is a dead end. The media, consumerism, political scapegoats, populism and fascism are real threats. Our democratic political structures provide us with tools, not solutions. These structures are resilient, the issues are evergreen. We never fully settle our differences, and that is OK. The fear of the “other” is innate. The scientific expert view of life is inadequate and ultimately unsatisfying. We need effective myths to shape our worldviews, but they cannot be fixed and reductionistic like our science or business approaches. The key dimensions of life are best addressed with a tension of yes and probably not; individual and community, liberty and law, material and spirit, inward and outward, selfish and altruistic, principles and applications, etc. We live by habits. There are 5 habits relevant to democracy that require significant work to adopt. The ground or basis of life, truth, decisions and knowledge is “heart”, our intuitive ability to combine thought, feeling, skepticism, history, community and myth into decisions. It is an organic, holistic Quaker insight consistent with secular listening, focusing, psychology, philosophy, meditation, logic, systems, and social sciences. The author and publisher offer 40 video clips and a study guide for those who would like to share and explore this work with others.

Intro to 2024 Edition

We are in crisis in the Trump era. The 2001 “war on terrorism” response of demonizing other countries, growing the military and restricting civil liberties was only the beginning of our troubles. These challenges reinforce the need to invest in local, experiential, real conversations to build our Civility skills. Some groups are “beyond the pale”: violent, anti-factual, or racist. The loss of trust is an existential threat to our democracy. We cannot engage everyone; we only need a supermajority two-thirds to restore our system. “Habits of the heart” are built upon local interactions. Grassroots efforts to build these habits have spontaneously started in many places. Racial prejudice remains an issue. Progress in improving the human soul is slow, but worthwhile.

Politics of the Brokenhearted

People, like the author, who have heartfelt views of ideal human and political behavior, are often disappointed, even “brokenhearted”, when their deepest desires, insights and beliefs are unfulfilled. Today, our deepest political, philosophical, spiritual, religious, ethical, aesthetic, social views are often rejected by people and leaders. Despite many supporting factors, we fail to make political, religious, global and moral progress. This is the human condition. President Lincoln faced these challenges and was depressed. He overcame the disappointments to describe and take a constructive path forward. Storytelling is therapeutic. The “heart” is a critical concept: core of the self, where all ways of knowing converge. Despite the darkness we follow the light.

Humans are imperfect. Democracy is always at risk. The “heart”, our deepest ability to comprehend, can transform suffering into community, conflict into creative energy and tension into the common good. Dr. Palmer argues that the unavoidable contrasts/conflicts in life can lead to progress.

I. Democracy’s Ecosystem

Diverse races, ethnicities, classes and perspectives are foundational. We struggle with diversity, change and raggedyness. We seek to tame it in business, farming and politics. We need to consider efficiency and effectiveness. Diversity is inherent and good in nature. We are wired to fear the other, the stranger and diversity. Yet, we know intellectually that diversity provides us with tremendous benefits in marriage, trade, creativity, art, beauty, and religion. The tension between contrasting views, principles, measurements, frameworks, insights, beliefs, experiences, histories, etc. is not naturally or easily embraced, even though it is needed for personal growth. Individuals who choose to experience and wrestle with tension and heartbreak can become stronger, able to better manage future experiences. This persistence and earned personal growth do not “solve” the tension, conflict or pain, but it provides a greater ability to encounter it again and again. It is the only [partial] solution. Listening, empathy, exploration, dialogue, accountability, and problem-solving methods all matter.

Civility prioritizes the improvement of individuals. It does not demonize Washington, DC, big money, intolerance, passions, ignorance, or the 2-party system. These challenges are eternal. Human nature is eternal. We can make choices to improve our personal and political results.

“Heart” is a larger way of knowing. Mind, intellect, rationality, emotion, imagination and intuition are combined. This complex “heart” is what make us human. It aligns with religion, culture, community and the humanities as fundamentally organic, complex, spiritual and irreducible. Less complex views such as wealth, consumption, money, fear or progress are inadequate to the human condition. “Why do we suffer?” is a critical question that can only be answered by the heart. The question can be used by politicians to mislead people.

Deep thinking individuals like Quaker John Woolman can see solutions. They may involve holding the tension between conflicting people, interests or ideas for generations.

Politics of the heart rejects divisiveness, toxicity, passivity, powerlessness and commercialism.

Social movements leverage the “powers of the heart”.

II. Confessions of an Accidental Citizen

Personal advancement can be seen as more important than the common good. The responsibilities of citizenship are not really taught to children and youths, even those in professional class suburbs.

“Citizenship is a way of being in the world rooted in knowledge that I am a member of a vast community of human and nonhuman beings that I depend upon for essentials I could never provide for myself”. The community and the greater good matter, really matter, matter first! Yet the public good is unclear and disputed.

Hence, the political structure that provides long-term stability is elevated to become more important than the individual political decisions, no matter how heartfelt!!! This is an amazing result.

Democracy, political institutions and the heart can easily be misused by individuals or political leaders.

Rules and structure matter. Hope matters. Voluntary associations matter. Individualism can destroy community. Individualism has virtues.

Chutzpah says that I really matter. Humility says that I must know that I don’t know it all. We need both.

Five habits of the heart:

1. We are all in this together. We are interdependent.
2. We must appreciate the “other”. We prefer people of our own tribes who look, feel and think like us. We can recognize the great value to be had from interacting with “others”.
3. We must learn to hold contrasting ideas, values, preferences and experiences in tension. We don’t choose one over the other. We accept that they have pieces of the truth that cannot be reduced to one or the other. We are imperfect and broken humans who do not expect to have perfect knowledge.
4. We must define and express our personal views.
5. We must create community.

The Civility revolution takes place at the grassroots level.

III. The Heart of Politics

Palmer focuses on Terry Tempest Williams’ concept of living democracy.

“The human heart is the first home of democracy. It is where we embrace our questions. Can we be equitable? Can we be generous? Can we listen with our whole beings, not just our minds, and offer our attention rather than our opinions? And do we have enough resolve in our hearts to act courageously, relentlessly, without giving up – ever – trusting our fellow citizens to join with us in our determined pursuit of a living democracy?”

After 9/11, we showed as a nation that we have lost the ability to have civil debates about important topics. This was and remains very frustrating for most citizens.

Palmer says that we individually and collectively have the power in our hearts to address this shortcoming. He notes that these words challenge us about our own capacity for openness, honesty, trust and persistence. It’s not enough to lament politicians or the situation. The key is taking steps to make things better.

This insight does not support a simple romanticism. The heart can support the best or worst of mankind.

While Palmer’s politics are consistently from the left and criticize the rise of the far right in American politics, he is clear that the challenges of human life are faced by everyone. Generosity and self-interest. Listening and fear of hearing. Trusting and fearing. The aspirational challenge of values and moral character is inherent in human nature. It is easy to criticize others for their lapses while ignoring our own shortcomings.

Palmer dismisses claims that the strategy, resources and techniques of politics are most important by describing how emotional appeals to “family, faith and patriotism” are so effective.

He argues that heartfelt struggles generate our social ills. Fear drives consumerism. Arrogance requires more of everything. A spiritual emptiness drives false consumer solutions. Yet, Americans are also the most generous people on earth.

While feelings provide opportunities to manipulate people, the appeal of pure reason is similarly ineffective. Palmer describes Alan Greenspan’s 2008 “shocked disbelief” that individuals could be so greedy that the efficient banking markets could be destroyed. He criticizes our education and business culture for using reason alone to make decisions.

Palmer reiterates that “heart” is an integral way of knowing that combines thinking, feeling, experience, intuition and judgement. He illustrates it with a story of a USDA administrator facing pressure from his boss to comply with his politics, finally deciding to follow his “farmer’s heart” and recognize that “I report to the land”. The staffer used all of his experience, acknowledging the tensions of the different interests and perspectives before making a choice. The choice may be overruled but it helped to move larger conversations forward.

Palmer outlines “the power of heartbreak”. We all experience disappointments, large and small. We respond differently. Most of us are crushed, withdraw, weep, deny, delay and build defenses against future experiences by becoming stoic, less at risk, less emotional, etc. Yet others find ways (by necessity, insight, character, grace or luck) to digest the situation, experience it, learn and become stronger and more engaged. These experiences can make us stronger and more flexible rather than weaker and brittle. He’s arguing at two levels. In our personal day to day lives, and in our civic, political lives. If we can build the experiences, power, insight and strength in our personal lives we can apply this everywhere. Our heartbreak at the recent loss of Civility in our country can help us to work for change.

“Despite our sharp disagreements on the nature of the American dream, many of us on the left, on the right, and in the center have at least this much in common: a shared experience of heartbreak about the condition of our culture, our society and our body politic.”

“But a heart that has been consistently exercised through constant engagement with suffering is more likely to break open instead of apart. Such a heart has learned how to flex to hold tension in a way that expands its capacity for both suffering and joy.”

“But one day you emerge and discover, to your surprise that because of your devastating loss, your heart feels more grateful, alive and loving.”

“We must restore the wholeness of our civic community … hearts are the source of what Lincoln called ‘our bonds of affection”, that sense of unity among strangers that allows us to do what democracy demands of its citizens: engage collectively and creatively with issues of great moment, even – and especially – in times of intense conflict.”

Palmer acknowledges that we cannot be conflict free. He notes that conflict can drive creativity and resolve critical questions.

Palmer identifies our “inner emptiness, the absence of a strong sense of personal identity” as the most important cause of our situation. He proposes that we should look inward to our “hearts” rather than outward to prepackaged solutions. He describes the many negative impacts of consumerism on undermining the development of a personal identity. He describes how “scapegoating” by politicians and the media plays an especially virulent role in destroying personal identity by making people dependent on others for solutions and filling the victim role.

He comments: “Of course, many Americans find it not only possible but actually pleasant to live among strangers and take a pass at scapegoating. Put simply, these are the grown-ups who left the adolescent mindset behind and learned to take responsibility for their own inner struggles for meaning instead of seeking someone to blame.”

“Democracy needs and, at its best, breeds people who have minds of their own … The healthy self finds an identity that allows it to feel at home in its own skin and in the company of others, even (and sometimes especially) ‘alien’ others”.

IV. The Loom of Democracy

Palmer reiterates that we face conflicting views in our politics which create tensions. He argues that our political system, like a loom, can constructively hold this tension and produce constructive results, a cloth that is strong and new. “holding the tension of our political disagreements to keep us talking with each other and giving us chance after chance to reweave the fabric of our common life.” He highlights unavoidable tensions like freedom and discipline, and liberty and law. These inherently contrasting principles call for both/and rather than either/or solutions that take time to create and continue to evolve.

“The heart has the capacity to turn tension towards constructive ends, but there is nothing automatic about it.” It is more likely to succeed with successful practice. Prior failures may prevent future success. “Is it an experienced heart, a reflective heart, a heart made supple by inner exercise and responsive engagement with life? Or is it a heart grown brittle from being wounded, unattended and unhealed, sheltered and withdrawn, a heart more prone to shattering in the face of yet another demand?”

In addition to experiencing and growing from heartbreak, the author recommends “mindfulness, meditation or prayer, reading great literature … spending time in solitude … talking with a counselor or spiritual guide.”

Palmer argues that the American political system is designed to address “divergent” problems by maintaining engagement and commitment and driving creativity. He argues that forced solutions and final solutions destroy the community and the system. “In American-style democracy, the incessant conflicts of political life are meant to be contained within a dialectic of give-and-take, generating and even necessitating collaboration and inventiveness.”

The system allows topics to be addressed for long periods of time. No decision is final.

Palmer notes that “fight or flight” is hardwired in us but does not help to resolve divergent political decisions. He argues that the progress of civilization has been in inventing tools to overcome this either/or response: language, art, religion, education and democracy. [These inventions do] “not propose to bring life’s tensions to an end … [but] offers us a process for using them creatively, providing … structures that promise to turn the energy of tension towards constructive ends.” He notes that extreme individualism works against these tools that help us to work together in communities and associations of all sizes.

V. Life in the Company of Strangers

Palmer begins the chapter with a story about a taxi driver, illustrating the trade-off between the risks of interacting with the stranger, the “other” and the benefits of learning about people and the world.

He outlines a 3-level social world of private, public and political. We increasingly retreat to the private life. We are mostly isolated from the high-level political life, dominated by professionals. We have the opportunity to live in the “messy” middle public level where we can practice our interactions with others with conflicting values, interests and ideals.

Palmer argues that the skills, relationships, confidence and groups we form in the middle are the essence of democracy, like the “voluntary associations” emphasized by deTocqueville in the early 1800’s. The public life acts as a buffer zone between the private and the political, holding the political level accountable (ideally).

The geography of the public level is emphasized through the examples of a public house, other “great good” places for interaction, well-designed urban areas and events. Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone analysis of various places where we can interact or form community comes to mind.

Public organizations and places are where we can act with “dignity, independence, and vision”. We meet on common ground, accept the stranger, enrich our experience, express ourselves, identify concerns, debate, negotiate, identify needs, assist, generate ideas, share resources, protect and empower people. He emphasizes that these are possibilities rather than a set of utopias.

Palmer notes that public spaces and organizations are eliminated in authoritarian political systems. They act as a defense against the improper growth of centralized power.

Palmer notes that we make choices to interact, join and participate every day. Increasing these interactions at work, school, church, organizations and neighborhoods can change ourselves and the world around us. Small actions like potluck suppers, block parties, community gardens, porch sitting and holiday gatherings can have a large impact.

He ends the chapter with a description of Wendell Berry’s fictional small Kentucky town of Port William.

“Port William is a small farming community whose residents are not strangers to each other in the way city people are. Still, they remain strangers to each other in the way all of us are, no matter how well we may think we know each other: within each of us there is an endless, inarticulate play of shadow and light that makes us riddles to each other because we are riddles to ourselves. And yet all of the characters in this fictional world are integral and valued parts of what Berry calls ‘the Port Williams membership’. …This sense of membership is the ultimate gift of the public life … our sense that we belong to one another”.

VI. Classrooms and Congregations

Classrooms and congregations can provide great opportunities for us to participate in the public level of community and dialogue.

“Educational institutions have at least as much impact, and arguably more, on our basic assumptions about what is real, possible, and meaningful … we get images of ourselves … and images of the world”.

Without violating separation of church and state, Palmer argues that fundamental questions are unavoidable and should be addressed. “the nature of a ‘good life'”. [Rabbi Hillel asked:] “If I am not for myself, who is for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, when?”

“An education that pretends to explore only the outer world is disingenuous and incomplete. A good education is intentional and thoughtful about helping students find an inner orientation toward what is ‘out there’ that will be life-giving for them in the world … Do I have gifts? … does my life have purpose? … whom and what can I trust? … how can I rise above my fears? … how do I deal with suffering? … how can I maintain hope?”

Inner-life questions are embedded in all subjects, not just literature and the arts. They must be inserted. Courses should connect normal content with context and application.

Education should be more experiential encouraging students to experience the give-and-take of the public level. Students can engage within school and in the community. Teachers should be facilitators rather than scientific experts. The humanities courses must be preserved and enriched.

Congregations can also provide opportunities for public level engagement. Church governance participation. Church program leadership and participation. Peer counseling. Small group interaction. Potluck suppers! The use of consensus as the standard for decisions rather than majority rule.

Elevate “hospitality” to become a duty. “When a believer fails to offer hospitality to a stranger, the spiritual journey comes to a sudden halt … Becoming people who offer hospitality to strangers requires us to open our hearts time and again to the tension created by our fear of ‘the other'”.

VII. Safe Space for Deep Democracy

“The spaces in which our hearts are formed are not always made of bricks and mortar – they are also created by images, ideas, and ideals … the wellspring of all notional space is the human heart … if our hearts are large and supple enough to hold the tensions of those questions in a life-giving way, they produce ideas and ideals that feed a living democracy”.

We cannot let the media define our reality and spaces. “if we are to be citizens of a democracy, we must spend time in conceptual spaces defined by personal experience”.

Solitude, compartments, inner voice. “We also need safe spaces for small gatherings of ‘the company of strangers,’ spaces where citizens can come together to explore the challenge of living heartfelt lives in the neighborhood, in the workplace, and in the larger world.”

Circle of trust meetings, small groups, professional organization meetings, rocking and talking groups, Camp Obama, power of storytelling.

VIII. The Unwritten History of the Heart

“name, claim, and examine the myths that animate our personal or collective lives, myths that give voice to deep movements of the heart … a myth is an effort to tell truths that cannot be told with mere facts or known by the senses and mind alone, truths that take form only in the integrative place called the heart.”

“Myths do more than name truths that lie deeper than mere facts … they also name aspirations that might be achieved … when we openly acknowledge this gap between aspiration and reality and are willing to live to it honestly, a myth can encourage us to bring what we are a bit closer to what we seek to be.”

[America’s myth is found in the “Declaration, the Constituion, the Pledge of Allegiance, or our national anthem.” It is easily accessible and easily perverted into a simplistic, fully achieved status.

Many Americans believe in the full achievement of the American ideals. Palmer disagrees regarding military power, economic growth, opportunity and the melting pot. “Taken together, myths like these have been foundations of national pride, and we have taken their truth for granted … if we want to reclaim our democracy, we need to do the challenging heart-work of examining our myths, seeing how far they are from the reality of our national life, then reclaiming their embedded visions and doing the hard work necessary to bring reality closer to them.”

Palmer argues that reclaiming democracy can be done through the stages of past movements for social change. “Movements of social transformation are sparked by people who are isolated, marginalized, and oppressed but who do not fall into despair.”

The four stages are initial actions of courage, communities of congruence, going public and seeing signs of success.

It is necessary to act with hope in the tragic gap between today and tomorrow. It can be done by holding ourselves to the standard of faithfulness rather than the standard of effectiveness. The great movements take a long time.

Evaluation

Center-left or new-left bias is only sometimes acknowledged.

Racial and economic conflict are taken for granted.

There is a “small is beautiful” preference.

Myths, religion, spirituality are emphasized as essential.

Practical solutions are offered.

Utopian solutions are discounted but there remains an organic bias.

The 5 habits emphasize community, tolerance/tension, individual expression/agency and respect for the “other”. These are consistent with the 7 Civility values but the centrality of respect for the “other” inserts a value that is not universally shared. Jonathan Haidt emphasizes the validity of cultures that are more inward looking.

Dr. Palmer’s insights align with my 6 root causes (individualism, imperfect myths, secular age, insecurity/fear, human nature/greed) except he does not highlight excessive skepticisim.

His solutions are very aspirational. Are they possible for everyone or just a few?

Is the “heart” a valid construct? How does it work? Is this the “inner voice” of one religious perspective?

Is the growth of the heart through repeated heartbreak a valid, useful or widespread concept? I think we can all understand that this happens for some people at some times. It is a blessing and an inspiration. Can we base our life’s journey on this approach?

I think that Dr. Palmer provides a consistent evaluation of our current situation and reasonable steps forward. His study guide and video clips provide tools for groups to evaluate his ideas and promote the growth of Civility.