Ex 7-3: Challenges to Adopting Civility
Discussion question #1: which items are most difficult to address as an individual?
Discussion question #2: which items can be well addressed by individuals?
Civility is Not Simple or Easy
Misconceptions
Civility has operated for a few hundred years without a brand manager. It has acquired several unfortunate associations through the years. It is commonly seen as just surface level politeness and etiquette, a magic wand problem solver, an impractical emotional approach or an apologist for passivity, power, the status quo, righteousness, the right or the left. Properly defined, Civility is not an easily discounted simplistic answer to our cultural challenges.
Civility Is …
Civility is a set of behaviors that recognizes differences and builds mutual respect: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management, communications, growth and problem solving.
It is based on 7 nonpartisan values: human dignity, respect, acceptance, responsibility, intentionality, constructiveness and public-spiritedness.
Inherently Complex
Civility is primarily a set of habits, skills or behaviors that are used to interact with others. There are 7 groups and many specific behaviors in applied Civility. These behaviors are learned, applied, improved and based upon modern behavioral science.
There are also 7 values, principles or virtues that lie beneath the behaviors. They are nonpartisan, commonly held ideas consistent with many political, religious and philosophical systems.
These values have been identified through time as being necessary for effective interactions. They are not derived from any specific religious, political or philosophical system. No one value is the basis for the system, although “human dignity” seems to have the greatest power in driving behaviors and inspiring commitment to Civility. Descriptions of individual behaviors are shaped by the values. There are clear expectations of good behaviors and contrasting taboos.
The Whole Person
Civility requires a commitment to engage with others in to effectively communicate and resolve differences. As such, extraverts have a natural advantage in practicing Civility. Fortunately, the modern behavioral sciences provide training and experiences to help introverts to be “fully effective” even if it requires greater effort.
Civility embraces thinking, feeling and doing. The values and behaviors require all 3 dimensions of life.
The behaviors are inherently practical, applied and specific. The values are more abstract, intellectual and philosophical.
Embracing and applying Civility requires practical and abstract thinking, feeling and doing.
Civility emphasizes “perceiving” in its human dignity, respect, acceptance, constructiveness and public-spiritedness values. It emphasizes “judging” in its responsibility and intentionality values.
Civility focuses inward with self-awareness and self-management skills. It focuses outward for communications, social awareness and relationship management. It balances the needs and importance of the individual with those of the community.
The Whole Process
The Civility model focuses on the process of personal interactions to solve problems and manage relationships. It assumes repeated interactions that encourage participants to invest in relationships and seek long-term results. The process is expected to be iterative, encouraging participation and engagement. Results are not predetermined. Goals are clarified. Positions are shared. Solutions are proposed. Feedback and responses are welcomed. Choices are negotiated. Civility assumes a dynamic process is employed.
Civility skills and values are held by all individuals. They acquire these views throughout life. They apply these conscious and unconscious approaches in all areas of life, formal and informal. Civility norms and expectations are different in different groups and settings. Civil behavior encourages civil behavior. Uncivil behavior is sometimes shunned, encouraged or accepted. A virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle can occur.
Civility values and skills are learned and perfected through application, usage and feedback.
Nonpartisan
Civility is actively nonpartisan. Its proponents accept the results of “Moral Foundations Theory” that there are 6-9 deeply held human views that underly political (and some religious) beliefs. Individuals and political groups disagree about which are most important. Civility is not positioned to resolve these differences. It is designed to help well-meaning individuals understand each other, find common ground and negotiate results that also support relationships and the process. Civility offers a process that allows individuals and groups to maintain their views and still work effectively with others.
Civility attempts to avoid its own “righteousness”. It offers a tested process to facilitate certain interactions. It does not claim to have final religious, political or philosophical answers. It does not claim that its values, behaviors and processes will always produce good results or resolve conflicts. It acknowledges that our understanding of values and ability to implement them through behaviors is imperfect. It recognizes that “best practices” in any of the social sciences evolve through time. Civility attempts to make explicit its values, beliefs and understandings and promote them in clear, transparent ways.
Not Easy Skills
Civility requires hard-earned personal growth by engaging with others, embracing feedback, listening actively and adapting. Civility is never “done”.
Civility requires investment in communications and problem-solving skills.
It requires self-awareness, self-management and relationship management skills.
In essence, Civility has embraced the personal development goal of self-actualization outlined by Abraham Maslow in 1943.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
Not Easy Values
Human dignity, respect and acceptance require a mature perspective. They are not easy to deeply understand, practice or master. They focus on the essence of individuals in a social environment.
Responsibility, intentionality and constructiveness are also “stretch” values. They also require us to consider the required relationship between the individual and others. It is not simple. Our obligation to others requires perspective and some broader moral framework. Building a commitment to these values requires feedback, support, experience and moral perseverance.
Public-spiritedness also requires a balance between the individual and the environment. Aside from a few saints, humans cannot live solely for others. They must balance these needs, wants and desires. Civility does not define how much “public spiritedness” is enough. It requires everyone to consider this difficult topic.
Summary
Civility encompasses values and behaviors, a dynamic process and personal growth. It offers a process solution to our common differences and potential conflicts. It has many component parts that change through time for each person. The core components can be learned and applied by everyone. The basics are easy. Practicing and perfecting Civility values and skills is the good work of a lifetime, worthy of our human dignity.
Civility is Not Trivial
We define Civility as primarily a set of behaviors, a set of habits. Habits are not easy to create. They are not easy to maintain. They are not easy to improve. Civility calls for specific habits in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship management, communications, growth and problem solving! Yes, it looks like a master’s degree in counseling, family therapy, psychology or organizational development! Effective communication, relations and problem solving are critical skills for modern life. They can be learned as children, youths, young adults and mature adults. They apply in all spheres of life.
Civility is modestly complex, integrating 7 values and 7 sets of behaviors. It integrates thinking, feeling and doing. It is an applied skill with theoretical support. It requires practice and feedback to build and improve habits. It must be practiced in social settings, which may not be supportive. It requires an investment of time, attention, vulnerability, emotions and discipline. Civility, per se, is not required to perform basic life functions, so it can be ignored to some degree today. Like other moral systems, Civility is aspirational. There is no end to the possible improvements in our skills or the application of the values. Hence, it is sometimes frustrating. We prefer to have “achievement” type goals which can be completed just once.
Civility requires a big commitment. As noted in the first two articles, it provides great personal and community benefits. The 7 Civility values are supported by the major world religions, most cultures and professions. Civility insights and behaviors are applied throughout life. Not everyone will invest deeply in Civility. Those who choose to invest will be repaid multiple times.
Civility: Nature vs Nurture
Introduction
The modern definition of Civility emphasizes the role of 54 behaviors in 7 categories. Some of these are considered natural, others variable, a few neutral, and a handful opposed by nature. Each behavior is considered easy, moderate or difficult to learn. Combining nature and nurture, the behaviors can be ranked from easiest to most difficult to achieve.
Natural and Easy to Develop
Emphasizing common interests. Awareness of nonverbal clues. Acknowledging others. Building confidence from interactive success. Benefitting from engagements. Setting higher goals based upon others. Building organizations to pursue strategic goals. Using tools to make organizations more effective. Managing conflicts. Employing optimism. Showcasing trustworthiness. Feeling and showing empathy. Serving others.
Natural, Yet Moderately Difficult to Develop
Giving and receiving praise. Applying skills in different domains. Building cooperative environments. Developing emotional awareness. Growing self-respect. Refining emotional self-control. Finding resilience. Seeing how organizations really work. Taking the perspective of others.
Varied by Nature; Moderately Difficult to Develop
Mirroring communications. Speaking kindly. Managing boundaries. Developing others. Inspiring others. Showing authenticity. Being self-confident. Adapting to changed circumstances. Seeking initiative. Achieving.
Varied by Nature; Difficult to Develop
Prioritizing problem solutions over personal debate. Creative thinking. Defining and optimizing processes. Translating public policies into law and administration. Systems reasoning.
No Natural Support
Improving organizational design. Improving meeting management. Developing cultural awareness. Strategic thinking. Apologizing.
Opposed by Human Nature; Moderate Work to Overcome
Seek first to understand rather than respond. Invest in continuous improvement. Find new perspectives from working with others. Employ the latest analytical tools.
Opposed by Human Nature; Hard Work to Overcome
Patience. Embracing feedback. Managing change. Managing complex projects. Accurate self-assessment.
Counterfactuals: Civility Should be Much Better Today
Many of the developments of the last 50, 100 or 500 years would lead one to predict that “civility” would be much better today than 50 years ago.
Measured IQ’s have improved by 10+ points.
Workers are 4-5 times more productive than they were in the WWII era.
Americans nearly all live in metropolitan areas where they interact with other races, ethnicities, classes, nationalities, religions and political views.
People make more choices and experience natural consequences of their decisions. Modern markets and society push individuals to interact in all dimensions of life.
More Americans work in large enterprises where they are required to interact with “others” effectively.
Human rights have been adopted for all. Nationalities, races, religions, genders, sexual preferences and abilities are protected and celebrated.
Regional, national and global trade, travel, sports teams and media are available to all.
Ecumenical religious groups thrive. Christian denominations work with each other and “world religions” in ways unimaginable in 1929.
“Tolerance” is elevated as an important cultural and moral value by liberals, Democrats, cultural elites, and business leaders.
Personality profiles, talents, multiple intelligences, gender differences, emotional intelligences, team building, toxic personalities, autism spectrum and other insights highlight the important differences between people and the need for those who wish to succeed to understand them and adapt appropriately.
The percentage of Americans who have completed a college degree has increased from 5% to 40% since WWII. The educational experience, social expectations and interactions all promote Civility, seriously considered responses to life and people.
The data is sparse, but it looks like 15% of Americans today visit mental health professionals each year to deal with the challenges of life, up from 3-5% in the WWII era. Neighbors, elders, medical professionals, educators and religious leaders have always helped.
The information required to make decisions is easily available.
European nations (and Japan) were able to move past the horrors of the two world wars and establish tolerance for neighboring states as essential principles of modern democracies.
Global institutions were built from the experiences of the Great Depression and WWII. Other nations have rights, responsibilities and things to offer the world.
The colonial, imperial models were discredited along with fascism, Marxism and totalitarianism. The tolerant, “middle way” Western model of mixed capitalist economies, democracies and international trade and cooperation were validated in the 1992 “end of history” per Francis Fukuyama.
Artists and events have destroyed the notion that cultural, social, religious, political, and business leaders are somehow superior and worthy of unquestioning loyalty to single groups, institutions, parties or leaders. We are now all deeply and inherently skeptical.
These historical, social, economic, political, family, educational, and cultural forces say things should be getting better; much better. The forces against civility must be very strong. This points towards “human nature” as the most important factor.
Google AI: March 29, 2026
Transitioning to a culture of universal civility is tough because it requires fighting against both human nature and modern social structures. Here are 10 of the biggest hurdles:
- Online Anonymity: The “online disinhibition effect” allows people to say things behind a screen that they would never say to someone’s face.
- Echo Chambers: Algorithmic feeds surround us with people who agree with us, making “the other side” seem like an enemy rather than a neighbor.
- High Stress & Burnout: It’s hard to be patient and kind when people are overworked, financially stressed, or emotionally exhausted.
- The “Winner Takes All” Mentality: In politics and business, aggression is often rewarded more than cooperation, making civility look like a weakness.
- Lack of Role Models: When leaders, celebrities, and influencers use insults to gain attention, it sets a standard that incivility is the path to success.
- Cultural Polarization: Deep-seated disagreements on core values make it easy to dehumanize those with different views, justifying “incivility” as a moral necessity.
- Misinterpretation of Intent: In text-based communication, we lose tone and body language, leading us to assume the worst about someone’s meaning.
- The Speed of Life: Civility takes time (pausing to listen, reflecting before speaking). Our current “instant response” culture favors reactivity over thoughtfulness.
- Fear of Vulnerability: Being civil often means staying calm while being attacked. Many people fear that staying polite makes them a “doormat.”
- The Bystander Effect: When we see incivility happening (especially online), the social pressure to stay silent is often stronger than the urge to intervene or set a better example.
Google AI: March 30, 2026
The hardest parts of practicing civility often involve managing internal emotions and biases in the face of conflict, rather than just adhering to manners. Key challenges include maintaining composure when confronted with opposing views, listening without interrupting, and genuinely considering perspectives that differ from one’s own. [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]
Based on guidelines for civil discourse, here are the most challenging aspects of practicing civility:
1. Emotional Self-Control and Regulation
• Managing Anger and Defensiveness: It is challenging to refrain from reacting with hostility when attacked, mocked, or confronted with deeply polarizing views.
• Limiting Escalation: Resisting the urge to “get the last word” or respond to a provocation with a “retaliatory strike” is incredibly difficult.
• Suppressing Disdain: The challenge lies in managing one’s own emotions to remain respectful, even when internally feeling intense frustration or disagreement. [1, 2, 7, 8, 9]
2. Cognitive and Intellectual Challenges
• Refraining from Judgment: It is difficult to suspend judgment of others’ ideas when those ideas are fundamentally opposite to one’s own beliefs.
• Accepting Alternative Perspectives: True civility demands that one considers the possibility that their own opinions might be wrong and that others’ criticisms may be valid.
• Avoiding Assumptions: Misunderstandings often occur because individuals assume they know what others mean, rather than listening to the actual facts being presented. [1, 10, 11]
3. Behavioral and Active Engagement
• Active, Uninterrupted Listening: Waiting to be recognized before speaking and genuinely listening for the content of the argument—rather than just waiting for a turn to talk—is a major hurdle.
• Disagreeing Agreeably: Maintaining a courteous and respectful tone, especially when using sarcasm or demeaning language feels warranted, requires significant effort.
• Admitting Fault: Apologizing and taking responsibility when you have been wrong or have acted uncivilly is hard for many people.
• Avoiding Gossip and Bullying: Resisting the temptation to participate in gossip or to use one’s position to devalue others requires constant self-awareness. [1, 7, 11, 12, 13]
4. Cultural and Situational Factors
• Dealing with “Performative” Civility: It is often hard to distinguish between superficial politeness (manners) and genuine respect, which requires deeper emotional labor and empathy.
• Navigating Virtual Environments: Maintaining a civil tone is significantly harder over email, text, or Zoom, where non-verbal cues are missing. [14, 15]
In short, the hardest part of civility is not merely being polite; it is actively seeking to understand and validate the human being on the other side of a disagreement. [16, 17]
[1] https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-simple-things-you-can-do-work-practice-civility-paul
[2] https://pbieducation.com/what-is-civility-and-why-does-it-matter/
[3] https://www.thenewatlantis.com/publications/the-case-for-boredom
[4] https://thevillagefamily.org/sites/default/files/2022-05/Q4-2021-Supervisor-Newsletter.pdf
[6] https://www.shrm.org/enterprise-solutions/insights/model-civility-workplace-culture
[7] https://www.cba.org/resources/cba-practicelink/civility-in-the-legal-practice-practical-tips/
[8] https://www.beyondintractability.org/ttdth/civility
[9] https://www.asc.upenn.edu/news-events/news/research-shows-there-are-no-easy-fixes-political-hatred
[10] https://www.umassmed.edu/es/zzz-archive/importance-of-civility/
[11] https://www.aces.edu/blog/topics/business-community-urban/practice-civility-at-work-and-school/
[12] https://www.uscourts.gov/practicing-language-civility-civil-discourse-and-difficult-decisions
[14] https://inns.innsofcourt.org/media/195373/2020-10-15-team-hirsch-civility.pdf
[15] https://cl.cobar.org/departments/civility-is-performative/
[17] https://www.cmu.edu/student-affairs/civility/civility-framework/index.html
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