Political polarization, impact of media changes, declining trust in people and institutions, lower community and civic participation and a president who promotes a purely transactional world that ignores Civility. People are worried about democracy, progress, relations and the future. They sense that the decline in Civility is one of the problems and that restoring Civility might be an answer.
What’s New?
While journalists focus on politics and the media, others are focusing squarely on day-to-day Civility in our interactions with each other. People are frustrated with political and institutional leaders’ seeming inability to guide us to a better world. Like the little girl in “the Tale of the Starfish” they refuse to accept a declining world and commit to taking small, personal actions in the face of great challenges, exclaiming “Well, I made a difference for that one”!
These individuals and groups are focusing on improving personal Civility in all walks of life, leaving politics and the media for later action. They believe that improved behavior alone has the potential to “move the needle”. So, they are improving their own Civil behavior, promoting, teaching, sharing and encouraging others. They are organizing and holding meetings to find partners. They are developing curriculum to share the core values of Civility that can be embraced without diving into politics or religion. They are highlighting the many existing tools for better communications, interpersonal relations, problem solving and personal growth available to those who wish to be more effective in using and modeling Civility. They are using the interactions of thinking, feeling and doing to create better enduring habits.
Where’s the Rub?
Civility has been caught up in the political and religious wars. It is often misunderstood as just politeness, overpromising an end to disagreements, soft, emotional, utopian, relabeled liberalism, a new righteousness or an apology for the status quo and vested interests. The new Civility proponents have much work to do in order to clearly communicate its core content AND what it is not.
The power of Civility lies in its networking effects. Individuals who develop Civility skills in parenting can use them at work. People who build Civility skills to be better political advocates can use them in their volunteer roles. Individuals who demonstrate Civility in any arena influence others, even if they don’t notice. People tend to mirror the behavior that they experience. Other individuals behave better, and a virtuous cycle continues. Our problem for the last 20-50 years is that we have been in a vicious cycle of less and less Civil behavior becoming more and more accepted.
What’s In It for Me? (WIIFM)
We live in an age of radical individualism. We naturally first evaluate ideas and options from only our personal perspective. Civility provides many personal benefits. It provides even more important community benefits. Because it is about public behavior that influences others it is often about both the individual and others or the individual and the community. Civility depends on the values of human dignity, respect, acceptance, responsibility, intentionality, interactions, constructiveness and public spirit. Hence, it claims many positive results for the individual and the community.
Practicing Civility will improve your health, effectiveness, sense of belonging, personal growth and leadership skills.
1. Conflict Reduction
Civility is founded on human dignity, respect and empathy. Differences are expected. Individuals seek to understand others. They focus on people, process, interactions and results, not just winning. They employ tools to find acceptable solutions. They refuse to personalize differences. This approach reduces the chance of differences or disagreements escalating to become conflicts or crises. The habit of resolving or accepting differences creates an atmosphere that expects reasonable interactions and results.
2. Stress Reduction
Civility reduces the frequency and intensity of conflict. It minimizes the direct and indirect experience of personal attacks. Individuals are affirmed by each other, feeling respect and developing a stronger self-image. Others have higher morale, so they are less likely to fall “below the line” in their behaviors. Social norms guide positive behavior. Individuals expect that people, process and results will be good, or at least acceptable. They learn to depersonalize interactions, reframe conversations to avoid righteous religious or political issues and build upon their positive experiences.
Positive experiences and expectations reduce stress, tension, fear, anger and anxiety. They encourage engagement and issue resolution. They reduce the risk of burnout.
3. Happiness
People in civil environments experience respect, acceptance, belonging, positivity, trust and good relationships. Civility leads to high achievement by developing communications, problem solving, relationship and influence skills. By applying the values of responsibility and intentionality, individuals improve their decision-making skills, especially those that require interaction, creativity and wisdom to manage complexity, uncertainty and differences. These experiences help people to become centered and composed.
The process emphasis of Civility supports personal growth. Individuals define goals, separate means and ends, welcome feedback, bridge differences and expect to change when they learn. Personal growth can cause anxiety at first, but extended experience provides a way to embrace change and expect positive personal and process results. Finally, Civility requires individuals to make choices about upholding values like human dignity, respect, responsibility, leadership and the public good. Individuals who define and strive to consistently live by moral values build justifiable self-assurance (#10).
4. Good Reputation
When you demonstrate communications, problem solving, interpersonal, personal and change management skills, others notice. When you apply the virtues of respect and acceptance, responsibility and intentionality, positivity and interaction, others notice. They notice your personal, work and civic realms. Your personal brand value grows. They trust, respect and like you. They expect you to work well with others and to keep your commitments. They provide professional and leadership opportunities because you are effective in the modern complex, team environment.
5. Influence
Those who practice respect, acceptance and interactive problem-solving prime others to consider their views. Self-confident, centered, composed, responsible, intentional people are seen as natural leaders. Individuals who have solid interpersonal and communications skills, especially active listening, encourage others to work with them. The experience of mutual respect and creative problem resolution in difficult situations leads others to prefer to work with their highly Civil colleagues.
6. Better Relationships
Civility makes building relationships a top priority. People, process and results. Civil people demonstrate empathy and self-regulation. They have good communications and interpersonal skills. They value respect and acceptance, responsibility and intentionality, positivity and interactions. Experiencing the give and take of shared decision-making or problem-solving benefits all parties.
7. Belonging
The Civility values of interaction/dialogue, mutual respect and public spiritedness combine to create and enhance communities. They create shared purposes, meanings, interests, history and the experience of managing difficult decisions. Belonging improves with this stronger sense of community.
The Civility values of human dignity, respect and acceptance together with empathetic behavior contribute to forming and sustaining a kind, compassionate community. Individuals are affirmed, feel safe and belong.
When Civility is actively thriving, the overall environment is Civil or harmonious. Morale, well-being and relationships improve. Belonging flourishes.
8. Included
The same forces that create belonging, apply to inclusion. True belonging, based on acceptance and human dignity, is for everyone, despite whatever differences they may have. A “big tent” welcomes all. The underlying values also make individuals feel respected, valued and affirmed even when they are different or hold different views.
Interacting with mutual respect using modern behavioral science tools leads to understanding differences of interests, perspectives, goals, beliefs, preferences and values. Understanding helps to avoid conflicts. It allows us to disagree without being disagreeable. It encourages us to find creative, compromise solutions. It helps us to identity where we do have shared views. By truly accepting differences we include others.
9. Emotionally Composed
Civil people expect to encounter and manage differences. They willingly engage in group decision-making and problem-solving processes. They respect and empathize with others. They depersonalize crucial conversations. They identify common interests. They learn that they can discuss, trade, negotiate, advocate and influence civilly even when the stakes are high. They learn to accept and embrace compromise and avoid polarizing arguments about political and religious topics.
Civil people are supported by a civil environment of belonging and inclusion where others are mostly stable too. They practice the values of responsibility and intentionality. They know that they must make choices. They learn that some differences cannot be resolved and that they have personal growth opportunities. There is a virtuous cycle of self-control, with the experience of building greater confidence and reserves.
10. Satisfied
Anyone who has achieved 3 Happiness, built a 4 Good Reputation, become 5 Influential, created 6 Better Relationships and become 9 Emotionally Composed should be satisfied with life. If they are also succeeding in life and career based on developing and applying the key behavioral skills, they are further blessed. If they have been able to consistently follow their values, including public-spiritedness, they should be proud. If they have participated in group problem-solving and decision-making to shape their communities at any level, they know they have achieved something important.
11. Overcoming Selfishness
Three of the five key Civility behaviors apply: empathizing with others, building relationships and self-regulation. The individual is required to interact with others, so he or she might as well be good at it. Self-knowledge is required for interacting effectively with others. Radical selfishness is simply not an option.
Personal management and interpersonal skills help people to insightfully look inward and outward to balance both worlds.
Six of the Civility values apply: recognizing the human dignity of others, respecting others, accepting others, interacting with others, being constructive in spite of others and considering the common good with others.
Civility does not elevate “others” or communities above the individual, but it recognizes them as valid agents in life’s drama. They are worthy of serious, intentional, responsible consideration. Civil individuals happily move beyond a state of self-absorption to engage with life’s full possibilities.
12. Leveraging Human Dignity
Civility begins with the insight that we each share a common human dignity. We each have equal worth. This is an essential view of reality and human potential. It cannot be disputed. The Civility values, behaviors and skills are derived from this base.
It means that we each have an infinite worth and value. We have humanity in common and the “common good”, relationships and community truly matter. The views and interests of others matter and must be considered. Individuals have inalienable rights of protection from others, groups, governments and society. Minority interests should be considered and protected. Individuals must be treated as “ends”, never just as means to ends per Immanuel Kant. Groups and ideologies must never be more important than actual people. Civility processes protect these individual rights while respecting the need for groups, communities, governments and societies to make imperfect decisions for the common good.
13. Mutual Trust
When individuals practice the Civility values, they are signaling that they trust others. Displaying respect and acceptance indicates trust in another person. Investing in intentional, responsible, interactive and constructive actions says that an individual believes that the others are worthy of investment and implicitly trustworthy. Considering the common good or public interest also shows a belief that others should generally be trusted.
Trust is often given altruistically, at least at first. Modern game theory says this is the optimal first step in typical two player games. It is also offered with an expectation that it will be reciprocated. Trusters hope and expect that they will be trusted back.
Trusters also believe that they will indirectly benefit from nudging others into creating more effective teams, groups and communities. These groups are more effective due to collaboration and deliver better results. They reduce the costs and risks of making decisions. They create a positive environment of lower stress and conflict.
14. Mutually Constructive Behavior
Civility embraces positivity and a constructive approach to conflict management, negotiations, problem-solving, decision-making and politics. This value is supported ethically, tactically and strategically; NOT naively.
Responsibility and intentionality are adopted with the expectation that they will be at least partially reciprocated by others. Using a constructive approach to interactions helps to influence others to mirror this good behavior and engage positively.
Civility values an interactive and mutually respectful approach to the broad topic of problem-solving. Faith in interaction is based on the values of human dignity and respect. It is helped by empathetic behaviors. It is greatly facilitated by positive and constructive attitudes, thoughts and actions. This another area where a value (constructiveness) is first offered altruistically with the hope and expectation that it will be partially reciprocated.
Civiliteers hope that civil discourse will arise and become the norm. They hope that a positive environment will result with less stress and conflict. They expect better decision-making, especially when treating complex issues with real differences of views and interests. They believe that better decisions will arise from the recognition of differences, identification of the common good, creative solutions and constructive compromises that are “good enough”.
15. Moral Commitment
Civility promotes 9 values. It is an ethical system that is not dependent upon any specific philosophy, religion or political viewpoint. It is consistent with “classical liberalism” that was developed in the 1700’s in England, Europe and the United States.
It is a subset of a complete moral framework. It is fully adequate to support our day-to-day lives together at work, at play and in government. It attempts to balance the inherent conflicts between the self-aware individual and others and communities.
Individuals commit to this set of values because they believe they are in some sense “true”, morally right, adequate and necessary for society and politics. They hope that their imperfect application of these values will trigger others to make the same commitment. They understand that all humans are imperfect and that the serious pursuit of 9 values is much better than no pursuit at all. They adopt these values and invest in learning behavioral science skills and building habits because they want to do the right thing for future generations and ultimate values.
Summary
Civility offers direct and indirect benefits to individuals. In the end, it is both a practical and a moral choice. We live in a “secular age” where the received religious views can be challenged by well-meaning people. My belief is that our “classical liberal” democracy requires the support of a Civility subset of values. I also believe that our secular society requires this same subset of values to facilitate the interactions and transactions of modern life. I believe that almost all individuals can justify Civility values, behaviors and skill development on a practical basis alone. I hope that the 15 benefits described above will help everyone to make the right choice.
As Civility begins to be embraced as a vital answer to our challenges, we’re starting to hear from the skeptics, the professional critics, the haters, the perpetually ironic, special interests, politicians, media interests, fundraisers, political consultants, the powerful, influencers, extremists, technologists, literalists, nativists, nationalists, environmentalists, talking heads, artists, postmodernists, materialists, therapists and humanists. Some struggle with Civility’s claim to represent everyone in addressing core human challenges. Instead, they say that the modern Civility project is really for elites only, too soft and emotional, too far left, too righteous, too far right, too simple/surface or too impractical/abstract.
Civility attempts to define a set of values, skills and behaviors that are “fully adequate” to support the required economic, social, religious and political needs of our society. Civility addresses the eternal conflict between the individual and “the other”; between the individual and communities considering the “common good”. It provides a subset of moral values adequate to support these dimensions of life while allowing individuals and groups to debate and negotiate the remaining political, social, personal, religious and economic options. As such, it is a “classical liberal” approach, embracing individual freedom while necessarily tolerating others and their opinions.
Just for Elites?
Civility has a long history in America of being embraced by all. City and country. North and South. East and West. Religious diversity was a key driver historically. The Catholic versus Protestant wars in Europe were seen as ridiculous for modern people. The great diversity of Protestant denominations promoted religious tolerance.
Civility applies to all domains. Family, neighbors, unions, civic clubs, not-for-profits, schools, universities, professions, religious organizations, interest groups, small businesses, big businesses, cooperatives, political parties, candidates and community groups. There is no “elite” preference here.
Civility begins at the local level. Family, neighbors, friends, local commerce, HOA’s, block watches, parishes, local schools, local sports, civic organizations, libraries, community centers, social welfare services, third meeting places, pubs, porching, volunteering, block parties, volunteer fire fighters and emergency services. Rural, agricultural, expanding America was founded on these voluntary organizations. It was re-founded around 1900 with political reforms, social services, scouts, civic organizations, YMCA’s, Chautauqua institutes, civil rights, labor unions, temperance, public libraries, public secondary education, etc.
Civility is an eternal challenge. The individual faces other individuals and other groups, communities and society. We’re each wired to be fully individual oriented. “It takes a village” to civilize us and make us productive members of society. Civility applies to all social classes and geographies.
Civility focuses on human dignity, respect and empathy. These are universal human values and experiences. They represent a radical view of human equality, indifferent to rank. These values are anti-elite and countercultural. They support the needs of all and constrain the [alleged] tendency of elites to construct exploitative structures and philosophies.
Civility focuses on practical skills for interacting with others, communicating and making good decisions. It is applicable for everyone.
The Civility Project is purposely taking a “bottoms up” approach to recapturing our institutions as responsible to the people.
The current social, political and economic institutions [often] primarily serve the interests of the privileged (the 1% and the 20% professional classes). The “tea party” was founded to challenge this situation. This wise populist insight has been captured by one political party for its sole benefit. Civility attempts to make clear the benefits to any political group of effective institutional structures.
Civility’s focus on human dignity ensures that individual freedom will be preserved. It is a “classical liberal” approach that recognizes that humans are imperfect and that many will attempt to capture political, social and economic institutions for strictly personal benefits. [In modern America, this is considered a “conservative” insight]. It accepts that some constraints must be placed upon individual “rights” to preserve the “common good”. There is often no obvious solution to these competing interests. Every society must find “reasonable” ways to protect both individual rights AND the common good, while allowing representative democracy to wrestle with the issues in the middle. We’re stuck with an uncomfortable “both/and” rather than a more satisfying “either/or”.
Civility is a “public good” which benefits everyone. The more that civility is practiced, the more that everyone benefits. Non-elites, who have lesser assets, benefit disproportionately from increased civility.
Investments in improving civility create a “virtuous cycle” which benefits everyone.
Elites have a much greater share of assets, so they have a greater interest in establishing and maintaining civility in any society. They need a supermajority of society to buy into “the rules of the game”. They could once rely upon ideas like divine providence, tradition, kings’ rights, land rights, the ancient regime, property rights, class rights, papal infallibility, social Darwinism, eugenics, racial supremacy, national rights, etc. Modern history and communications undermine these crude approaches. Elites need Civility to underpin support for representative democracy, regulated capitalism and international trade.
Too Soft?
Critics argue that “Civility” is based solely on feelings, weakness and conflict avoidance.
Civility encourages individuals to be “dead serious” about their political and religious views. It does not take a position. It encourages individuals to engage in the political process and to develop deeply felt religious beliefs and practices [without becoming righteous and rejecting others’ rights].
Civility requires the “hard” virtues of respect and responsibility.
Civility requires the development of mature character in adults.
Civility promotes positive and constructive approaches to interpersonal relations and problem solving.
Civility is focused on results, not just ideas.
Project Civility is focused on actionable steps, not just a belief system.
Too Left?
Civility embraces the “little platoons” of classic and modern conservative thought. High commitment local organizations are essential for social life and forming moral character.
Civility is actively non-partisan. It requires no position on the historical debates. Central/decentral. Tradition/innovation. Risk/safety. Religious/secular. Individual/community.
Civility requires a limited moral foundation to support society. It rejects a purely individualistic basis for society. It rejects a purely community, organic, spiritual, religious basis for society.
Civility embraces the role of institutions, trust, productivity and growth in society.
The 8 civility values are nonpartisan. Respect, acceptance, public spiritedness and interactive lean left. Responsibility, intentionality and constructiveness lean right. Human dignity is equally left and right.
Too Right?
Human dignity is a radical idea opposed to domination by elites and structures.
Civility is inherently open, liberal and tolerant.
Civility does not embrace any dominant religious or cultural view.
Civility embraces positivity. It does not prioritize “no”.
Civility acknowledges conflict as an inherent part of life and embraces modern technologies.
Civility acknowledges power as a real force in life. It believes that personal and community beliefs are equally important.
Too Righteous?
Civility attempts to find the “common ground” of political debate. It tries to find the “least common denominator” or values, practices, beliefs and habits necessary for society to succeed, or at least muddle through.
Like all political, social, religious or philosophical belief systems, it tries to find the essence, the most important beliefs or assumptions needed for success.
It focuses on communications and interpersonal skills that are neutral.
It focuses on conflict resolution skills.
It promotes organizations like the “braver angels” that encourage interaction between individuals with different views.
It embraces the problem solving and personal growth results of cognitive behavioral therapy and modern organizational development.
Civility promoters believe that tolerance is essential.
Too Simple?
Critics say that civility is too simple, too surface, too obvious. Civility is an approach based upon 500 years of the Western modern era.
Civility accepts the complex validity of modern politics and religion.
Civility embraces a required subset of values in the Western religious, philosophical, economic and social traditions. It requires respect, human dignity, acceptance, responsibility, public spirit, intention, interactivity and constructiveness.
Civility requires thinking, feeling and doing.
Civility accepts that individuals have deeply felt individual perspectives that do not align easily.
Civility promotes the development of individual character based upon philosophical, religious and political perspectives.
Civility combines a set of values with a set of practical skills to be applied in all domains of life.
Civility actively rejects oversimplified versions that are just politeness, magic wands to end disagreement, purely emotional, utopian, partisan, overreaching or merely supporting the status quo.
Too Impractical?
One definition is that “civility is a set of behaviors that recognize differences and build mutual respect.”
Behaviors are the primary focus, even though they are based upon widely agreed-upon values.
Individuals recognize differences between individuals and groups, and seek to understand and bridge them. This is a level-headed approach to recognizing and managing reality.
Individuals constructively take actions to build mutual respect. They work in the right direction, even though the steps don’t always work to resolve differences, solve problems or build relationships. They take steps forward because this is hard, necessary work, not because it is destined to succeed.
The communications, problem-solving, interpersonal, change and personal management tools used in implementing civility are practical insights, techniques and habits that can be taught to everyone.
The Civility Project roll-out strategy is “bottoms-up”, relying upon a broad cross-section of our nation learning, perfecting, applying and sharing these tools and values.
The Civility Project emphasizes actionable steps: education, interactions, commitments, teaching, porching, greeting, encouraging, joining, volunteering and engaging politically.
Civility offers personal benefits such as conflict management, stress reduction, self-management, better relationships, improved image, influence, acceptance and productivity.
Civility undermines the attraction of extreme individualism by emphasizing the shared humanity of all individuals and the necessity of constructive interactions. It helps individuals to find a balanced perspective that includes others, communities and values as complements to the individual alone.
Civility is similar to approaches like the “golden mean” and the “golden rule”. It attempts to combine a small number of values and skills into a practical tool kit that can be used and improved.
Summary
Civility is easy to caricature and dismiss. Simplistic “straw man” versions are easy to attack. They are inadequate to be helpful or embraced as a shared community asset. But Civility defined as a set of behaviors that combines values and tools and strives to both build relationships and manage differences is not simplistic or ineffective. It is a critical set of habits needed to promote effective interactions, engagement, trust and results in a complex society.
It is a moderate and moderating approach, so some might call it conservative. It values interactions, feedback, process, learning and growth, so some might label it liberal. We think that the Civility values are nonpartisan and that the tools are clearly neutral ones that can be used to be more effective in all walks of life, irrespective of politics or values.
Civility can overpromise and become righteous. We think that these values and tools are a solid combination for delivering personal, interpersonal, process and community results. But they don’t work miracles. We have different sets of values, perspectives, experiences, habits, talents, personalities and expectations. We can learn to listen, empathize, seek the common good and compromise effectively. This will help, but it won’t make any of us perfect people or negotiators.
Our goal in the Civility Project is to re-establish community expectations that promote these kinds of interactions and personal growth. We are confident that creating new norms of expected and taboo behaviors will help individual lives and our communities. In the modern world of complexity, uncertainty, insecurity and skepticism we need some help. Civility offers a nonpartisan common framework to rebuild a constructive, trusting, productive background for all of our interactions. Imperfect, but very powerful.
Good News 